Thursday, October 26, 2006


The last three days of Ramadan in Alex, this was a great time actually

I needed this time, I really needed this time as a real refreshment of my soul, and it has been sooooo long since I last went to any place by the sea, whole 4 years

My flat there, I almost forgot how it look like, I arrived late on Saturday and returned on Tuesday early morning

You may notice that I returned the first day of the feast, I meant that because I hate noise and crowds so I picked the days I know that Alex will never be crowded in and I was right, it was great without crowds, quiet and beautiful

Sitting by the sea, listening to music and watching the black sea without any light but small lights from the far far boats, the sound of the wind around

I had a great time yet I wanted to be with myself more, some stuff needed me to clear my mind to think of and I had my friends with me so although I got great pleasure there yet I wanted to devote some more time to be with myself, the true one that I need to talk to now before taking some important decisions

I think I will go there again soon, some stuff has to be finished, big stuff that will shape my future for ever

Friday, October 13, 2006


When she looked at me deep in my eyes I understood that she now understood

The question in her eyes was clear, she feels the difference but don’t know why

As I didn’t tell her the reason in the begging I couldn’t tell her the reason at the end!!

Inside me I knew the reason: my dear... In the past you used to occupy a great area of my heart, now you just occupy a similar area but in my mind only... Without you there my heart is empty and gloomy!!

Years passed over that scene yet I still remember it, where are you now my friend and what life did with you??

Friday, September 29, 2006


Today is my birthday

How different it is from the last one I had, and how different I become during this year!!

I dare to say I got to know myself more during this year, more than anytime else... may be because I had the most beautiful times and most hard times all my life during this year, may be because I am growing up, becoming more and more independent of my fancy life and my fancy thoughts I had during my past life

This time the birthday seems different, smells different and tastes different

Gloomy a little, knowing the fact that I have to spend another 2 birthdays in the service , tasting different knowing that I will spend it in the desert, in the complete darkness with the people but totally alone

Even different because it is my first in Ramadan, different because I will spend it away from home, away from the whole city

Different because I can’t think of the past or the future, they all seem like a bottleneck now for me, all I think is how to cross this bottleneck and return to the open air again to breath… breath freely

Thursday, September 07, 2006

The running shadow

In an open area like the desert, when a small cloud covers the face of the sun it leaves a matching area of shadow on earth

Because the whole area is open you can see the shadowed area, as the cloud moves, the shadow runs towards/from you in a sight that you don’t see often

It was a lovely experience to see the shadow moving fast on the hills and the sand around in the open desert, another view I won’t forget easily

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Don't Turn around

Sometimes we have to make a check point, where we review our relationships.

Some relations aren’t supposed to go on, they last few days, months or even few years but finally, it isn’t meant to last, it is not well based and so it can’t survive.

It needs lot of courage to understand that, more courage to achieve the break and much more courage to maintain this decision.

It is hard to break a relationship, you always have fears; the fear that you might be wrong, the fear of loneliness, the fear of the other side reaction and the mysterious fear of the unknown future.

Yet it has to be done!!

We must at some point say enough and turn around, never look back again.


“Don’t turn around now, you may see me cry” from “just walk away” song for celine dion.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Which one?

While i was playing in my files, i found this photo, the date is wrong on it, it is about 15 years ago, so can you guess which one is me ? :D

Friday, August 25, 2006

The "real" change

As long as we are alive, it is never too late to make any "real" thing.

Nothing can stop you, not even time, because real things doesn't rely on non-real things and time is not a real thing, it is just the way we describe things change in the materialistic life

Real things is the things inside, materialistic changes are just the way real changes show up in life

Real things can't be touched or seen, love is a fact yet you can't touch it, materialistic things are not real because they depend on the way you look at it that varies from person to another

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

So hard to say goodbye

A friend of mine asked me about the meaning of the display name I have on google "how do I .. say goodbye"

here is the complete lyrics of the song, I got it from the internet

How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.

I thought wed get to see forever
But forevers gone away
Its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

I dont know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where weve been
And what weve been through.

If we get to see tomorrow
I hope its worth all the wait
Its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And Ill take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
Its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And Ill take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
Its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

Thursday, August 10, 2006


I won’t forget this view easily… this morning was so special; a lot of clouds filled the sky like a mercy of god to prevent the cruel sun beams from hitting on the humans

Thin holes were formed in the huge clouds wall, made of few adjacent holes, from each hole a cylindrical light beam could be seen falling from heaven to earth..

I could count about 12 or 15 light beams like this, in a view behind imagination, this view lasted over 3 hours, if only I had a camera!!!


Thursday, August 03, 2006

Make it up

In life, everything leaves scars

In love, you can never make it up, you can never mend what you broke, the scar never vanishes and the wounds always bleed

Be extremely wise when you have the chance.. you will never have the chance to fix it again.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006


It is strange how things start… strange how very small things and incident could make a huge change.

This is the story of my best friend in the army…

At the beginning he was just another man, all I knew about him was the name.
On one of the terrible tiring days, full with sun, actions, and training he fell so ill that he was almost totally unable to walk to drink water or get himself anything

At that time I hardly knew him... I told him I will see what I could do, I ran to my room and got him a bottle of water, and I asked a friend to get us two small bottles of juice. That was all.

The next day when he came to thank me, we had long conversation, we started it at that day but it didn’t end yet… we talk all the time during training, during breaks, during vacations, our friends’ say we never shut up :)

Ramy has been my friend since then, we helped each other to hold in many hard situations and I am glad I have such friends with me, that is the best thing I could get out of the current experience

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Photo crisis

Few days ago I-like many others- received a mail containing horrible photos for the result of Israeli bombing over Lebanon, like all others I was totally shocked yet the above photo draw the attention of the world while I didn't notice it much

as you can see the photo is for Israeli kids drawing and writing things over the shells, some of them were messages to Lebanese people and Nasrallah and hizb allah party!!

As you can imagine at once the two parts started to move, the Arabian part started to spread the disgusting photo while the Israeli side on some blogs gave some "weak" explanation for it

"On the day that photo was taken, the girls had emerged from the underground bomb shelters for the first time in five days. A new army unit had just arrived in the town and was preparing to shell the area across the border. The unit attracted the attention of twelve photojournalists - Israeli and foreign." said by Israeli blogger

Just one comment on this part... at least they have bomb shelters to hide... the 170 kids who died in Lebanon didn't have something like that i believe...

"Apparently one or some of the parents wrote messages in Hebrew and English on the tank shells to Nasrallah.”To Nasrallah with love," they wrote to the man whose name was for them a devilish image on television - the man who mockingly told Israelis, via speeches that were broadcast on Al Manar and Israeli television that Hezbollah was preparing to launch even more missiles at them. That he was happy they were suffering." said by the Israeli blogger

And I want to ask: “to teach hatred to a kid do you have to make him write the hate message personally? Isn’t it enough to let him see that sight and make him even sign this black message and draw a flag with it?"

Maybe they didn't mean to do so but don't you agree that this photo will stay in the innocent eyes of the kids attached to the Arabs?

"So, perhaps the parents were not wise when they encouraged their children to doodle on the tank shells. They were letting off a little steam after being cooped up - afraid, angry and isolated - for days." said the Israeli blogger

I totally agree... now let's consider the poor palestinian who lived all his life like this... in the danger of being killed, with shells in the air all the time, poor, hungry and afraid... how do you expect him to react then if you see this reaction on 5 days of "partial terror in air conditioned shelters" reasonable, how could be the reaction of the palestinians?

"I wonder how those people would feel if Israelis were to look at a photo of a Palestinian child wearing a mock suicide belt in a Hamas demonstration and conclude that all Palestinians - nay, all Arabs - are evil. " by the Israeli blogger

I believe I already answered this part, I didn't say they are angels... they teach their kids to hate too...

On another different topic that supports this topic, on every incident they claim that the Arabs want to destroy Israel... how the hell can us while you are much far stronger than all Arabs together!! Such words only come from sick minds that have one equation in their minds, either us or them!!

Stop targeting civilians... from both sides

Sick minds, we are all humans... war is not a game because when you die, you can't simply start a new game

Thursday, July 20, 2006


The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Edmund Burke

stay calm... rest in peace ... or in 2 pieces....

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

the lost feeling

you come back with a milion thing to do, a milion buddy to meet and thousands of plans

your mind keeps jumping from this to that, you keep your eyes on the watch and feel time moving very fast...

at the end you discover that all the few things you could catch from your plans were meaningless and without real feeling, you spoiled them by paying much attention to the moving time... didn't give them what you should to really have them

that is what happened to me up to now, i need to focus on something and drop many others or else, i will loose everything

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Parents act

For the second time I meet the same problem, with a different friend this time!!

Parents all the time feel like they own us, yes sometimes they feel like we are idiots and they are responsible for handling everything even if this will hurt us or corrupt the way of life we want to have

The story was the same but with a harder way, his mother got him an apartment to get married in but at the first problem she said this is her money and she wants to take it back!!

This time his mother did it with him while he was away in the army, the world turned black in his eyes, what will he do or say to his fiancée, this is crazy!!

I couldn’t help this friend much, I was feeling very sorry for him and I thanked my self because I refused similar offers from my family many times, when I am ready to go I will go on my own alone.

Why could a mother do such a thing to her son while he is away from her in the desert!!!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

away from cairo

away from cairo... this is the longest period i ever spent away from cairo and totally disconnected from modern life...

how was it? cruel?? may be, but there were positive sides

how many times did you wish to stay with your own self to think but life didn't give you this chance?

i never had such a chance, i must admit here that spare time there was very rare but in the dark, silence rare moments many things can happen.

from a few days, more precise in 5/6/2006 i was moving on the sand at night under the moon and thinking about the same day from 39 years, do you remember it? many ideas came to my mind and many feelings played with my head

one other positive side is that i finally got to know egyptians more, i met people from all sides and i made friendship with many persons, on the other side i made good fights with many persons too!!

there are some other positive things but i will keep them to my self , at least for the moment.

Previously, FreeSoul

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Good bye

Tomorrow, I will mostly be on my way to the army, so this is my last day here I guess

It is a good bye then, a good bye for you and for me too, for the character that lived here between you, this character has to move to the shadows now as it will not have a place to live in

I thank the chances that made me make this blog because I got through it to know all of you, some of you became very close friends to me and some even more.

Yet it is time to leave, everything must have a start and an end but believe me, the friendship we had though this place won’t end because it will always last as memories on the internet witnessing the talks we had together on the comments and the chat boxes J

It is time to pack my stuff, wish me luck then


Monday, April 24, 2006


Few days a go my mom came and asked me, why do I look sad!!

I didn’t know what to say, I finally spoke: “what on earth could make me happy??”

It is enough to listen to the news everyday to get you into deep depression, I don’t know how to express my emotions but it seems like I am lost

It seems the ethics I have has no real meaning, they are nonsense, they don’t have any meaning but in my fake world, but in the real outer world they mean nothing, they don’t exist

Everyday I read the news and it seems like blood falling from the letters if it is not already blood that was used to write those bold bloody headlines, it is not in Egypt only, it is all over the world… something like madness invading the entire universe leaving us in a real trouble

Today I spend long time trying to understand… why??

Why Egypt? Why Sinai?
Why during feasts? Why three times blasts happen in 6/10 (October war) and 23/7 (the revolution) and now 25/4 (Sinai liberation)???

I can’t say I am sorry for those accidents, we are all responsible somehow of such things, we are responsible for the acts that happen because we don’t move a finger to stop it like it is going on in another country, blaming the security for it, damn the security it is our country and if they are not interested to protect it then we should put them aside and handle it.

It is our silence and our “understanding” for violence against civilians in some other parts of the world (like Palestine) that gave those murderers the chance and the reason to make such blasts thinking they are doing the right thing.

Lemna was right when she commented on my topic about fears that the most dangerous fear is the fear of losing the difference between what is right and wrong, that is what drives people that mad and make them commit the most terrible crimes thinking they are just doing a great job!!

What is going in Sinai?? Does any one know what is going on there??

P.S: I meant to put a good happy photo for Dahab, I hope all blogs will not publish the bloody photos, it is painful enough

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Seed of hate, stories from my past

I am not going to get involved in the current madness running in Egypt; it is painful enough to watch it daily

Yet I wanted to tell you a story that happened to me when I was a kid

I had two friends, Mohammed and Remon, both were very good friends, we were always together like attending lessons together, study together and walk after school together until the driver come to take each of us

Someday Remon got away from us, he was like avoiding meeting me or Mohammed, with the white heart of a kid I couldn’t know why, and he even went away from us in a cruel way

At that time I had no idea of the meaning of a difference, being a Christian or a Muslim was just another meaning for the religion lesson that we move into a separate room and that is all, we never asked or wondered even why!!

A friend of mine came and told me that his family asked him to stay away from me and the other Muslim friends, and the reason was another boy in the group called Yousef, I never liked this guy, even a child could notice he has much evil!!

This was the first time I hit into such a stupid situation, all I can say is that it was cruel and I wondered what kind of parents could do that?

Lately my little niece came to me saying things about “her Christian friend” at school!! I wondered, where did she get that expression, she was talking like understanding there is a great difference, what did put such a seed in her young pure soul??

Sometimes I really thank god I was born for those parents specifically!!

Monday, April 10, 2006


What scares you more most of the time?

1. To be right
2. To be wrong
3. the people discovers you were wrong
4. you discover that you were wrong
5. you discover that you were right

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Just today

For our long time with each other, I never noticed she is a girl!!

she was the friend I can speak to, we were together since we were children and I could never think of her as different, or..

just today I understood that she is a girl, and just today I understood that she never forgot that, how could I !!!???

Forgive me for the times I couldn't realize the truth, sometimes you only realize what you want to realize, or what you need for

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Happens in Egypt

For all my life almost I lived in Egypt, yet after all these years I feel I never reached its heart

Yes we were separated from the heart of Egypt, we never had connections with people like normal people, me and my family were mostly disconnected from life in Egypt

We had our own procedure and our own style, we couldn’t approach people or understand them and in return they couldn’t understand us either.

I am really looking forward to know people more, to know Egypt more from the surface and historical touch I know, history tells you about the body of the country but the soul of it can’t be obtained but by direct contact

On another issue, I got offended much by a recent incident, why do people have double faces? Why do they act with you in a way different from the way they do with you??

Recently, I was offended by being called an idiot by someone who seemed to respect me when we directly contact, why did this someone speak badly about me? What this one knows about me to talk about me in such an aggressive way?

I am used to forgive people, but I can’t forgive to be betrayed easily, and I deeply feel offended, it could be my problem that I trust people easily, or let say that I assume good nature in all creatures.

Friday, March 31, 2006


Yesterday my blog aged its first year!!

I can’t imagine that a whole year has quickly passed since I started blogging online.

when I started my first blog, it was much like talking to myself, just the same as my little diary at home where I keep my thoughts, but like a public one

I was coming out of a strange experience, things were different and by time my point of view was changing, being reformed again

My first friends were Froggy, norhan, lemna and juwaireyah, sorted by the time of their visits.

Blogging introduced me to another world I never had an idea about, to different personalities and different cultures that I didn’t know or accept before, yet the most important thing is that it introduced me to my own self.

Throughout this year, I learned a lot about myself , I learned my weak points and my strength, I sometimes hated myself and some other times loved my identity just until I finally understood “ME” partially enough to live in peace

How many friends did I know? I really can’t count, I can’t count how many times we were different but I know we were loving and we mostly understood our differences and appreciated it.

What did I write about? About life, love, silence, Egypt, myself, my country, my friends, my books and about every single thought that I wanted to share with you, I wanted this blog to be like a window to my soul, a wide window that gets you a look to as much contents of my soul as you want.

A whole year passed and now I am out of power, out of power to talk anymore, the time of silence is approaching, really approaching

Friday, March 24, 2006

The prom

Yesterday was the prom day of our faculty, a lot of my co-workers went to attend, it was a special day

Two things I must note here, I wasn’t supposed to attend because I graduated with grade “good” and this prom is for those graduated with grade “very good” or higher

Yet I asked myself, if I was to attend, would I ?

I believe such moments were made to share, happiness can’t live in one heart, it actually lives between hearts.

While I don’t have anyone to share this moment with it would be totally useless to attend, I reviewed my attitude when I didn’t attend the other old prom that was made the last year for all of us regardless of the grade, I found that I was totally right

It is not a happy moment to live your happy moments alone, that is all I can say for sure.

Forgot to love

Since I was born, since my first moments and my heart never stopped to work.

It used to love... Love as much as it can

I loved life, people and the sky

I loved her, I loved again and again.

I loved my work, my friends and my family

I loved freedom, justice … I loved love its self

When I searched for someone I don’t love I discovered it is just me.

I discovered o forgot to love myself… just my self

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The secret war… on the way to hell

“On the running debate between Muslims and Christians”

Over more than 3 hours I kept reading posts on different blogs, the secret war is running speedier then!!!!

A war beneath the surface, war between who? Between Muslims and Christians!!!

To tell you the truth, after a while, I got sick of what I was reading from both sides!! The claims of both sides can’t be classified under any description other than madness, racist ideas.

Of course there were some reasonable voices like the voice of alef, the old wise Muslim blogger and some others (including Christian bloggers) who I don’t know but that don’t change the truth, there is a war running out there.

Why do people think that their rule is to guide people to truth while they don’t spend much time trying to find it for their own selves?? Why do we claim to know things while what we do know is nothing almost??

I rarely get myself involved in a debate about religion, do you know why?

First, I don’t consider myself responsible for others thoughts and ideas, I don’t claim that I am so pure or better from them to guide them, and finally what am I to interfere with their free well to choose they destiny??

Secondly, what will that debate add??? I believe that a good Christian can help the society improve better than a bad Muslim, and also a good Muslim will help the society better than a bad Christian, both religions are great enough that I believe if we just know how to follow them right we will stop this shaming war against each other and learn how to build together a life and let religion to god!!

Why can’t we simply accept each other and stop the biasing that blinds our eyes from the truth when we rush to “defend our religion” and on the way we do all possible mistakes and sins thinking we are doing a great job, I hear address my speech to Muslims and Christians equally because what I see is more than a shame, it is crazy and unbearable!!

Why don’t we understand that Egypt, the country we are fighting over its cake is very weak and in a very bad position and needs support from all her citizens if we want her to survive!!

Why can’t we listen to this wise voice that told me years before “in 10 years there will be no Egypt!!” and try to prevent this disaster!

Why can’t we spend half this great energy we spend in calling that this girl was kidnapped or this girl was taken back by force to the church on efficient work to help the country, or even on work to really understand and apply the orders of our holy books??

Did I tell you that I was for an interval interested in reading in religions?? Out of my experience with holy books I can tell for sure that the concepts and ethics are the same, the same ethics we never apply in our “holy fight to defend our religion!!”

Why can’t all of us let all this nonsense aside and understand that in this country we are all in a bad situation and the only way out is to work for its best not to work for “our best” because there is no such separable “us”, one nation faces one destiny.

It is hard to believe but some Muslims better see a night club in the nearby and not a church!! Imagine that, a house for evil versus a house for god!!!

On the other side I see Christians in favor if Israel on talking to Muslim brotherhood!!

People of Egypt… are you out of your minds??????????


Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Changing mood

2 days ago, I got some annoying news from work, talks about extra tasks in limited time with a scheduale of the spend-the-night-at-work type!!

yesterday, when i got up I felt like not going, so I stayed in bed for half the day and spent the rest of the day talking with my mom, my brothers all over the world and some friends, i had a large tour online too but all that didn't change my mood from the low mood i had

tomorrow i got tons of things waiting for me, the low mood i have is making me lazy and somehow, not in the best case to work.

lately i noticed that i don't understand either arabic or english talks easily, I started to speak quickly and jump from one topic to another suddenly, my manager had a real problem understanding my design 2 days ago because i was discussing 46 functions at the same time

what is going to me?? I don't know!! :(

Saturday, March 04, 2006

A car accident- Follow up

Do you remember the car accident I had almost a year ago, more precise on the 23rd of last april??

that accident that i was about to die in, and the driver ran away, do you remember that?

Ok, the guy was arrested and now he will have to go to court to defend himself there!!

today, my sis opened the door to find three doors-I mean three huge humans- standing on the door, they claimed that they know me, my father came and after questioning them they told him that one of them is the owner of the car.

the man kept apologizing for what happened, he claimed he wasn't the driver and he just owns the car, he claimed that the driver took the car without any papers and so he will be taken in his place if i send him to prison, he claimed every thing possible to have forgivness!!

I wasn't home, my father first treated him very hard but my father has a kind heart and at last he told him that this is not his decision, it is the decision of the victim -me i guess- and left the whole thing to me!!

No, considering the fact that the car hit me and ran away, considering the fact that in order to run away the driver went more speedy to run over me and escape -thank god he coudln't make it- regarding all that, what do you think i shoul do?

Thursday, February 23, 2006

from the Cave- quick thoughts

From the cave I write, not because I feel like to write but because I feel like about to explode!!

I must tell you first about the most important cave rule which is:

No discussions with others in any topic of the problems under consideration, free your mind from being biased by any ideas or any preasure from any friend

i followed this rule yet i kept reading and sometimes writing few thoughts i have, without of course posting them or discussing them

Today I felt like broken completely, watching TV and realizing the amount of madness we have, the amount of evil we carry inside and imagining if I am making similar acts, a bad black view for unknown future

life is strange, sometimes you will have to stand against one of two, either your ethics or your nation, if you stand against your ethics they will never rest in you, they will follow you, accuse you of being fake and they will be right

but if you stand against your nation you will be accused guilty by their rules, they will consider you the devil himself and put you in the enemy side, you will try to point out the truth for them but they won't listen to you, at the end you will find your self... in the cave

one of my thoughts is about democracy, i don't claim that it is originally from my mind yet I must tell that democracy alone is not enought, people well is not all the time the right and honestly, i can tell that most of the time, the majority stand in the wrong side!!

the factor that correct this relations is the educated persons who guide the majority and convince them with what is right and what is wrong, socrates didn't believe in that, he believed that the majority must be governed by the minority of wise men and the normal majority shouldn't have any rule

yet this is a very theoritical solution, because all the times you will find those who pretend to be wise and guide the people to the wrong end, and they will fight you and accuse you, also the majority sometimes loose trust in the wise men, and stop listening to them or following them.

one of the problems is how to define the truth, some funny definition is that, it is the information you find acceptable, back it is related to your acceptance!!

I am not out of the cave yet, i just wanted to represent how sad I am, but i must tell you that in the meanwhile, and on another issue, i spotted many positive moves, real positive moves and i was pleased to see that after the wave of hate, another wave of wisdome is starting, slowly but at least it is starting

Friday, February 10, 2006

From the cave

Writing these few lines from the cave… I am now inside my cave and I really can’t identify my mood

I am happy and sad at the same time, I feel very bad and very sorry, sorry for myself and from myself

It is very easy to hate, it is very hard to love, fear from the things you don’t know is the rule, world seem so stupid when you look at it with your mind not your eyes.

My eyes can’t see anymore, things seem foggy, it is like these things aren’t really happening around, my heart have some mysterious pain, I can’t breath well, it seems my body wants to object and scream, seams like my soul is sick and all the other parts of me are sharing the pain with it

Tonight I was thinking very seriously to shut all my blogs forever, I was even writing the goodbye word for all of you, I was sure that my words are of no use to anyone but me, or say it is still of no use even for me.. Did I get happiness out of this? I wonder!!

Why do we hate different things or at least fear it? For how long will we carry this fear from new ideas or different concepts? Even if they seem to be true, even if we can’t have any logic against it!!

Why do we think that life is cheap and why do we hate death? Why do we think that the greatest danger is death? What is bad about it, I can’t say!!

Inside the cave I stay now, with hundreds of ideas and deep pain, am I the man they consider? Did I deserve what they did for me?

3 days ago I received a message from a friend, a very kind message that made me have more pain, did I deserve it? Honestly not, I am not the one you should stay with, I sometimes say things I don’t apply, I sometimes lie and sometimes hate

And I did something bad to someone; I can’t forget the look at that day, full with blame… my god!! Was I responsible of my heart or was it all just destiny!!

I sometimes do evil things even if others see them pure, they still have not clear reasons from the inside, I am not that pure man they should rely on or live with.

I am getting back to the cave… see you later

Saturday, February 04, 2006

From Moharam bek to Damascus

Today while watching TV I couldn’t prevent the deep depression that I felt, I understood the truth, it is the dark ages for Islam for sure!!

In the Middle Ages came the Dark Age for Christianity, when church controlled the community with the name of god and delayed humanity for a few centuries, now it is us playing this rule, even the same typical steps!!

Those who participated in this campaign against Denmark, are they happy now? Satisfied?
For one sin happened against them how many sins did they do in return?

1- they did hurt to many innocent people, a whole nation with the sin of a newspaper
2- They threatened them with many things including death!! Since when we are allowed in islam to terrorize innocent people!!
3- They destroyed and burned the embassy of two countries, where did the respect of messenger gone?? Did the prophet kill his enemy messenger? They were insulting islam day and night yet he never did any thing to the messenger that came from the enemy side (even if we assume that Danish nation is an enemy, which is not justified at all)

Three great sins in response two one sin, all directed in the wrong direction hurting innocent people for others crime!!

Let me raise some questions here, they deserve answers from those who participated in the campaign and they are proud of being part of the campaign

1- Do you think the Syrian gov was unable to protect the embassies? Why do you think they let them pass, reach two embassies and burn them!!!!
2- Do you think that the Egyptian gov is unaware that posters are hanged in the metro in cairo, since when was the gov letting similar thing?
3- Do you think that this is the first time for such an insult to happen to Prophet Mohammed? Nonsense and I was happy to find the proof at this place

It is a continuous war between terrorists from all the three sides, Jewish, Islamic and Christian, all the time trying to achieve as much insult as possible not caring for the sin they gain by that

4- Do you think we care that much for religion? Do we really apply orders of god and his prophet? How many times did you see a man in the street shouting and cursing against the religion and didn’t move?

Do you want to join evil? Join the crowds!!

Denmark and prophet Mohamed

During the past few months’ things kept moving, boycotting and spreading mails until it reached a bomb threaten 2 or three days ago in the Danish embassy in Syria or Jordon (I don’t remember)

Can we slow down a moment and review our attitude in this issue?

1- How do the Europeans see Islam and Muslims now, don’t you think they regard us as terrorists?


2- Don’t you see everyday in the TVs killing and bombing in Iraq, Afghanistan, Palestine, Egypt, turkey, Europe and almost everywhere?


3- Don’t you think that moves them to believe we are terrorists?


4- What if a thief says you asked him to do this; won’t other people think you are a thief too?


5- What if those terrorists said that prophet Mohamed told them to do so, won’t foreigners by nature think he is the head of those terrorists?


People, wake up, there is no conspiracy here, there is just pure human reactions on the current situation

You also can’t say they should have investigated more before they act like that, that is not what normal humans do, they are not judges out there, they are humans affected by what they see and what they hear, Muslims didn’t correct this bad idea about them and they must pay for that

But let me ask you another question, if a man hit you and his son work at your shop, will you fire his son and make him and his wife and kids starve? as a Muslim we have a sacred rule “wa la tazer wazeraton wezr okhra” which means “no one carry another one’s guilt”, don’t you think that by boycotting all Denmark you punish all the people of this country not the newspaper, without any guilt done?

And what did you expect from the Danish government?

To punish the newspaper or close it?
That happens only in third world countries, not there!!

Those people respect free speech and there is really no limit for free speech, they forbid hatred speech too yet the government can’t have the authority to do anything, if you see this cartoons humiliating for you, go to court and with a fair trial you take your rights

Wake up and know where to direct your blame, if they are to be blame then put 1% of the blame on the newspaper, 99% on Muslims all over the world who led us to this situation with stupid and frozen understanding for the religion and following without stopping for a second to consider what they follow or try to understand what it means

Wake up before it is too late, before we become as Jews became before

Wednesday, February 01, 2006


2 days ago I got my evaluation on the past 6 months, it wasn't so normal day because most of the others got their evaluations and I was delayed because my mentor wasn't free and had tons of things to do

ok, first of all, the evaluation was very nice and pleasant, it went well and didn't take more than 2 mins, I am not allowed to tell anything about it on public because it is confidential

the mark wasn't very high, according to the given explaination they couldn't give a very high mark because of the short time of our first evaluation, others are being evaluated on periods from 1 to 2 years and so they could get higher grades, they felt that is partially unfair but they can't judge us over 6 months and say that this person is super!!

another part was about some soft skills evaluation, how could they in this period estimate our communication skills or our cooperation with coworkers?

but finally the things that they couldn't evaluate us in was set with high grades to satisfy us, some of us were not satisfied by their evaluation but mine was more than fine for me, I even tend to under estimate myself somehow and that appeared clear in the evaluation discussion

one thing made me happy and sad at the same time, my mentor told me very good and nice words and he repeated that they still want me to complete with them somehow during my military service, or even after it, that made me happy to know that i did well and that those nice people really appreciate that, on the other side that made me feel sad because i will have to leave them!!

telling you a secret, I got a job while i am working here to start a new department in a meduim size software company, it was a very good opportunity with a very good payment and quicker promotions but I didn't agree, life in our company is different because you really feel like family their

the day they knew about the military thing many of my friends their came to comfort me, including my managers, I really appreciated that because they really helped me come over the dispair after knowing of the 3 years officer service thing

evaluation for me was like a mark on the road, i am happy the mark was positive and feel more eager to move on now

Monday, January 30, 2006


Silence is the thing and the everything!!

Is silence is the absence of sound? Can’t you feel that it has its own separate identity? Can’t silence be noticed sometimes in the presence of sounds, both in the same place facing each other, each with its own identity?

How can you feel silence? It is heaven for two lovers looking into each other eyes; it is hell for one of them only, is it the same silence?

It is peace for a satisfied soul, a torture for a blamed soul; it is the start of talk or the end of it

It is the thing before life, was there something that can produce sound before life? Then what came first sound or silence? If silence came first then we should say that sound is the absence of silence!!

Is silence calm? How can you say that when you have silence but have a thousand ideas in your head like voices talking only in your head?

It is the most virgin thing; any small voice will corrupt it and destroy its soul, its heart

What is silence? I can’t think yet I can feel, I can’t understand yet I can reach, I can’t know yet I can recognize

Friday, January 27, 2006

When the silence becomes painful!!

Yesterday I was in a wedding, I spent small time there and came very late

What I noticed was a strange thing, when the music suddenly stopped at the end of the wedding we all had something like pain in our ears!! I saw it in the faces of the people around me and I felt it, the silence was painful after long period of loud noise

Saturday, January 21, 2006

My family:

As this blog is like my home, I though of introducing you to the odd group of my family, it is odd because its members are of no way like each other, each member in this family has his own story but as an overall, they meet at some points as you will see, let’s start from the beginning

My father: my father is a very old man, he is 68 years old, very old fashioned man in some stuff and very modern in others, this means he is a man who accepts changes in time, but careful, that is not the fact all the time!!

My father was raised by the rules of the dictator father, this means no way for discussion with other family members, and they say my grandfather was even stricter that all his children were all the time afraid of him

My father is a very nice kind man, he loves us much yet he can’t change his way, his ideas must take place and that sometimes cause us problems but we all do our best to satisfy him

I must note that my father’s life wasn’t as good and stable as you may think, he is a very experienced man, he volunteered for the army affected by the atmosphere at that time, returned after 1956 war to the university to complete his studies, married twice, he is very much interested in politics too, unfortunately, he doesn’t like fairoz

My mother is a very much housewife, she is very simple and never busy her mind with big things, she is satisfied with her work because she have a tiring position in the ministry of education-that used to cause me troubles when I was young because teachers never treated me normally!!-, with my mother I can speak for long about my feelings, my mother is very near to my heart, while my father share the same interests with me that we are used to steal books from each other J

My oldest sister is married, nothing to say a lot, she has that strong personality and mind of the family, she is a little cruel with her little children, the little angels, or may I be too kind!!??

The second is my oldest brother, he is the ex-football player, he got injured long ago, he stopped playing football, it is hard to start building life from scratch so he made a company, a moderate one and he is married too, has a very young angel, she still can’t call me “3ammo”

My next brother is the politician of the family, the philosopher in it too, he formed the majority of our library, he left to Canada more than 7 years ago, and he works in programming with java and has his own small company in Toronto now

My brother was part of many organizations when he was young, one of his advantages is his independence in his decisions, he never waits for the permission and move to the action directly, that is how he left the house twice the first to Sinai to work with an international organization there and the second to Canada

The next brother is our writer, he is a very good writer yet life don’t support writers a lot, he works now as accountant in Saudi Arabia

My brother used to write very good plays and novels, comic style was his best, his disadvantage is not aiming a lot in that side, he didn’t give it enough tries even after he got his first chance to write in a newspaper, he didn’t care a lot for it and soon he returned to write only for himself (and us of courseJ)

My last sister is the artist of the family; she is a painter, a very good one by the way!
I must admit that I am a very bad painter and panting is the whole world of my sis, that is why we are not talking much, she can’t think of another topic I guess!

I must say that the best within my family is the amount of freedom they gave us in our lives, although father believe in the one decision rule, he believes in completely separate personal life for each person, that is why he encouraged each of us to compete in his side and be the best, my father supported the decision of my sister to join faculty of applied arts, supported my decision to concentrate in computer programming long ago, supported my brother to concentrate on football

As a family we all share some stuff, we all have very wild imagination, we all used to write at some stage, we all have that independence and freedom and hate questions or orders

That is my family, I can’t say it is the best family but I really appreciate being part of it

Monday, January 16, 2006

Our great library

Two days ago, I picked up a philosophy book, philosophy is a subject I never read about but it got my interest a lot from the first few pages of this book, it is a real amazing one

It made me go to our great library at home and start searching for more sources, this library was collected by my brother, my other brother, my sis and finally me, for a very long time I used to buy my own books and use my own sector privately, later I started to borrow all the books I need from any library I get access to and stopped buying books at all ;)

Ok, I stepped inside for the first time after long years, during those years I used to make quick visits all the time to pick novels but never got the chance to try to investigate the books inside

The result was incredible; the library was full of books we bought from more than 15 years!! I found books that I bough from the book fair when I was about 8!! They were two English books, one about age of the kings, a historical one, and the other is scientific

What is important is the amount of books I found in almost everything; I could finally divide the library into the following sections

1- politics: about 40 books

2- philosophy: about 60 books

3- logic: about 10 books

4- history: about 40 books

5- Languages: 12 books including two books for hieroglyphics!! One of them in Arabic! When I was young, I used the English one to learn my first few words and statements in hieroglyphics and in a while I was able to read simple text, unfortunately I don’t remember any of that now :(

6- religion: about 70 or more books, talking about different religions but mainly Islam and Islamic history

7- Novels: mostly for Russian writers, this is my brother’s stuff; I used to read novels in the library and wasn’t used to buy them ;)

8- Computer: 30 books of computer related stuff, programming languages; I found wonderful java books inside, java books from more than 8 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9- A complete series of books in Arabic that used to select a writer and a topic in each time, I grouped them together although they don’t have the same common topic but I wanted to complete group to be together, about 30 one they were

10- Other: scientific books and some strange topics books :)

All those books are the new stuff only that I never got the chance to read, I didn’t touch my sector of the library or my other brother’s sector because I already read most of them, it took me more than 4 hours to classify the books, arrange them back and extract 11 books that I found really interesting, I put them on the desk beside my bed, I guess I will be having very busy time ;)

By the way, Socrates say hello to all of you :D

Friday, January 13, 2006


Burning from the inside, from the deep end of my mind, sensitive to an annoying limit

It is very easy to hurt me, it is very easy to fix me back, I can never forget but I can easily forgive

My worst nightmare is to hurt someone by mistake, did I do that? Several times I think!!

I hate lies, I love confidence and I am still wandering for it yet everything seem like a lie

Seek the truth; find tiredness and end of road without a clue

Have many friends, very few of them know me really because I don’t talk a lot, I prefer to shut up, it is much wiser from saying something that may make others sad

Friday, January 06, 2006

Year 2005… Late like usual

Late like usual, here I write about that year, and oh boy it was a real busy year, busy and unique

Unlike others, I will be really selfish here, I will write about this year from my own side only

Important events I had in 2005:

1- I had a car accident, a car hit me and I was about to die, this was in April and helped me change as I think
2- I had a two weeks campaign of reconsidering my life, this was really important because it changed my thoughts a lot
3- I got back to community, it means I didn’t get satisfied by pushing inside my thoughts, for the first time I both said them loudly and wrote them(first time after 5 years shut up)
4- My old diary got out to the world, in this year I published parts of it online here, old things written more than 6 or 7 years ago, but never been read before
5- I started to write stories again, this time short stories mostly in English, I got few of them to be discussed on the radio and people liked them
6- This is a place holder for an event that I will keep for myself, but it is of the most important events ;)
7- My brother came back after 4 years away in Canada, we spent about a month together and it was a good time because no one understands me like my brother
8- I started blogging, thank you all for keeping me in, that was at 31/3/2005 (remember this time because it is important)
9- I knew my military service, it was a hard time
10- I finished university and applied for masters in networks
11- I started working in SysDSoft, I work as a design engineer designing communication software there
12- My grandmother died and I really was sad, she was the last of the old people I really loved much
13- I got to know many friends, one of them is really close to me now and helped me a lot to pass by many hard times, I want to send her a very big thank you note after this hard time, so plz wish with me that she will do fine in the exams J
14- I returned to political life again, this time by reading, writing and documenting things, I am not young enough for demonstrations :D
15- I taught in the university for the last time, they say I was very good and very honest this year, I was so happy at the end of the year that more than 100 students attended my last section that I had to reserve another place to take them, I was happy to meet them later at work and know they didn’t hate me and have good memories for me
16- I participated in the elections, not by voting but by watching, I have no voter ID yet

Summing all the previous, I think the previous year of 2005 was the most effective in my life and personality up to now after early childhood days, I think changes are for the good

My wishes for 2006:

1- I learn more discipline, freedom has nothing against a little discipline
2- I get to meet some old friends, I really miss them all
3- I pass my exams, this is important as with military, all what will be left for me is my masters
4- Have peace with my heart, my heart is in trouble all the time, angry and anxious, I hope it can come a little calm
5- Get more near to god, I know I am not a bad guy but there are things I want to do, things I want to read and search in but never have the time, I hope I can do that this year
6- I wish I can watch the stars again from my balcony with the same feelings as the old 9 years kid!
7- This one is reserved for you, make a good wish for me plz ;)

Ariel Sharon… on the verge of death

Ariel Sharon is on the verge of death, we all know that as news say he got a brain stroke, brain bleeding twice and two hard surgeries up to now, they say he lost control on some of his limbs too, they don’t know if he will be able to act normally again or not

The point here is that I am really sad for him!!! Before you start accusing me, consider these facts first:

1- I respect this man as a warrior who served his country since he was 18, he was involved in every single war for his country, got hurt twice, lead the famous attack behind the Egyptian lines on his own responsibility against all the rules to save the Israeli situation, as a sum, he is an enemy that we must respect as loyal to his country
2- We must understand that the crimes he made are part of Jewish heritage, that means all other Jewish loyal members will do the same like him, we mustn’t be so optimistic that some other person will take control because when it comes to a clash with them, he will prove that he is like Sharon or worse
3- Sharon tested war and know how does it feel to see his own soldiers being killed, he know how does it feel to be hurt and about to fall in enemy hands as he was about to fall in Egyptian hands in 1948 and he was hurt with two bullets, he knows how awful war is and he is so careful not to start another war
4- As a surprise, you must know that Sharon was the man who solved the problems between Egypt and Israel more than 25 years ago when he convinced Menahem Begen to leave Sinai and destroy the settlements, no other man could do it because Sharon was famous of defending Jewish settlements all over Israel
5- I don’t see much leaders in Israel side willing to negotiate with Arabs or do any change, I believe it was possible to work with Sharon for a limit, I know the limit doesn’t satisfy the Arabs but we will know soon that other Jewish leaders will not give us that limit either

I am not crying for him, but I respect those very critical moments even if I know how many crimes he made