Friday, October 21, 2005

Good Bye

Forgetting is not all the time easy,. But sometimes it is a must, you don’t forget really, all you do is to forget to think, put your heart into a state of emptiness and try to keep it idle not to restore the memories back, sometimes you succeed, sometimes you fail, but sure if you insist on it, you will reach it no matter how long it takes

Life seems strange these days, I am so confused, I can’t verify the laws I lived by, I sometimes feel that there is a huge gab in the ethics I lived by, something not right in my life, and some other times I feel it is all a matter of a chance and the ethics and regulations I lived by has nothing to do with it, I feel that I didn’t do something wrong and all the problem was in the timing may be or the destiny but not in the basis its self

I love to talk to others but sometimes it is hard to say what you really want to say, sometimes you feel the words stuck, do you know, the worst time of being depressed is when you don’t want to talk about the reasons anymore, moreover, when you can’t figure out the reasons your self

I know the reason for me to be depressed and I am sure of it, I know how to overcome it but I know that is much beyond my abilities in the current time, but I have no impossible

Few years ago, I had a bad time too, I got affected so much and I remember I had a very bad results this year as I couldn’t concentrate in a single word, my parents didn’t know a thing about it, anyway I am not of the kind that speaks about his heart to anyone, I keep that stuff to myself all the time and here lies the problem

I moved on later, I could beat that not knowing what is waiting for me later, not knowing that a much deeper pain is waiting somewhere on my way, the question is now, where is the answer ?

Will the answer be somewhere away from here? I will try to travel for a while, may be that would change something in me, and I will have a 3 months period to decide if I will stay in Egypt of leave, I don’t know what to tell you, I know I promised all of you that I will stay in Egypt no matter what happens to me but sometimes it is so hard to keep a promise, I want to stay but if staying will be in both the place and the case, then I will have to drop them both and leave to a much further place, just about 6000 kilometers away where I can have a clean start, or at least that is what I will assume there

Am I trying to get myself some excuse to leave? I don’t know but leaving was never part of my plans if I ever had any, but I can’t bear that anymore , I need to act before I go insane

I wrote a good bye word to both of them, knowing for sure that it will reach both of them, the one that I all the time loved and would be so hard to leave, which is Egypt and the only human that could make me leave it


ensana said...

What is the question that you're seeking its answer?

Leave Egypt if you decided that it is what you REALLY want to do.. just go... no matter what others may think.. it is you who'd decide whether or not you REALLY want to leave..

One more thing, here is a link of a resume of an excellent book that helped me find answers to a lot of questions.. so I thought maybe you'd find an answer to the question I don't know.. or any other..
Good luck..

free soul said...

I am not seeking any more answers, i got tired of them and most of the time they are not convincing :(

I am seeking peace with my heart, I, as a mind, know I need to leave for many reasons but my heart still refuse, when I leave this place i will lose a big part of me in it, that is the problem here :(