The art of denial

life can be really hard sometimes, and that shows you what kind of a person you are, you learn more about your self from how you react to hard events.

Two years ago I lost my mom, how can I describe it? the minute I was informed, and for sure it was all of a sudden and all of a shock to me, I just paniced, I didn't know how to think for a moment, loss was not a word in my dictionary and I never took death seriously until that moment.

I took the next flying plane back home, in the plane I had that weird feeling, that I am making the biggest mistake of my life, that I should run away somewhere and never reach Cairo. 

The denial trick was shaping, I knew that my mom will be gone only the first time I enter our house and find out she is not there anymore, and as long as I am thousands of miles away, I can keep pretending it never happened, that is a bit cowerd ? yah sure, but comforting still .

I went to cairo that day, and only there the second trick formed right away, it is the trick of playing responsible, responsiblity and taking care of others can also draw our attention away from our own misery, from the cracks that runs deeply into our souls, and so I did that for two weeks, and to some extent I managed to contain all the sadness that runs in my vains, not to show up almost at all while i am there.

when I got back to Munich, the third trick started to shape, With no way to deny it anymore, and nobody to take care of, I though of blocking everything by working my ass all day long, worked a little, combined with avoiding being alone, that worked for a while, just until the first time I took a walk alone in the garden behind my work place, and there by the thin river i burst for the first time into tears , and for the first time i knew that i am gonna carry that with me for long

it took more than a year before the real melt down took place, some of my friends where there and witnessed it, they kind of helped me through it, yet I feel more is just coming.

I feel a lot of regret, for the moments i missed to be there, for every stupid fight I had with the most important person in my life, and for not telling her how much I need her in everydays small tiny things, deep inside i am still that kid that still needs his mother, needs her to comfort him when he is disappointed, when all others fail him and he always know that she will be always there for him, listen to him, comfort and support him with the only true love.

it has been almost 2 years now, during which I learned a lot about the Art of Denial, how to omit an event from your life as if it never happened, I avoid mentioning my mom as much as possible, I avoid talking about her death as if not talking about it will make it unhappen,

I knew more about distance, about responsiblity, about loss and more importantly about death and how this life is too short to waste in small stupid fights, I knew more about my self, about how fragile my soul could be and how weak i could be sometimes.

I still miss my mam a lot, and that is even with denial still in place, can't dare to imagine how hard it will be when i step out of this circle and face the truth once in full.