Friday, May 01, 2015

The art of denial

life can be really hard sometimes, and that shows you what kind of a person you are, you learn more about your self from how you react to hard events.

Two years ago I lost my mom, how can I describe it? the minute I was informed, and for sure it was all of a sudden and all of a shock to me, I just paniced, I didn't know how to think for a moment, loss was not a word in my dictionary and I never took death seriously until that moment.

I took the next flying plane back home, in the plane I had that weird feeling, that I am making the biggest mistake of my life, that I should run away somewhere and never reach Cairo. 

The denial trick was shaping, I knew that my mom will be gone only the first time I enter our house and find out she is not there anymore, and as long as I am thousands of miles away, I can keep pretending it never happened, that is a bit cowerd ? yah sure, but comforting still .

I went to cairo that day, and only there the second trick formed right away, it is the trick of playing responsible, responsiblity and taking care of others can also draw our attention away from our own misery, from the cracks that runs deeply into our souls, and so I did that for two weeks, and to some extent I managed to contain all the sadness that runs in my vains, not to show up almost at all while i am there.

when I got back to Munich, the third trick started to shape, With no way to deny it anymore, and nobody to take care of, I though of blocking everything by working my ass all day long, worked a little, combined with avoiding being alone, that worked for a while, just until the first time I took a walk alone in the garden behind my work place, and there by the thin river i burst for the first time into tears , and for the first time i knew that i am gonna carry that with me for long

it took more than a year before the real melt down took place, some of my friends where there and witnessed it, they kind of helped me through it, yet I feel more is just coming.

I feel a lot of regret, for the moments i missed to be there, for every stupid fight I had with the most important person in my life, and for not telling her how much I need her in everydays small tiny things, deep inside i am still that kid that still needs his mother, needs her to comfort him when he is disappointed, when all others fail him and he always know that she will be always there for him, listen to him, comfort and support him with the only true love.

it has been almost 2 years now, during which I learned a lot about the Art of Denial, how to omit an event from your life as if it never happened, I avoid mentioning my mom as much as possible, I avoid talking about her death as if not talking about it will make it unhappen,

I knew more about distance, about responsiblity, about loss and more importantly about death and how this life is too short to waste in small stupid fights, I knew more about my self, about how fragile my soul could be and how weak i could be sometimes.

I still miss my mam a lot, and that is even with denial still in place, can't dare to imagine how hard it will be when i step out of this circle and face the truth once in full.

Thursday, May 08, 2014

1 Year Alone

A whole year has passed now, a whole year with the feeling of loneliness, disconnected, chattered

How can a person live this way?

the end is near, but it is never near enough 

Monday, October 07, 2013

Die Twice

They tell me that I should let go, forget and leave the denial ...

They face me with eyes full of sympathy and pitty! they speak with full confidence that who is dead is dead, never come back to life and what is left is my own life...

But they don't understand and they will never do, they will never understand that denial is all the life that is left for me, that even dead for them she is not for me, not inside me.

 They don't and will never understand and see it as I see, that accepting and letting go is betrayal for all what we had, no not just betrayal, it is something different that nobody can understand! she lives inside me and the moment I let go is the moment I let her die again ! kill her twice once with my stupidity and once with my selfishness caring and running for a life that has no room for me anymore !

I may know that it is denial that I live in, but honestly I don't care for what they believe true anymore, what is true for sure as I know it is that if I let go of this "denial" it will be letting go of life its self.

 Not just for me! for both of us ...

Wednesday, November 07, 2012


I can't let go of my old heritage ... I carry my past wherever I go, whatever far or different, just doesn't matter.

I thought that going away would change things, but no, not a thing changed... me is me, my memories live around as if they were just yesterday...

back in Vienna, listening to the song that day, and the faces started to hunt me, like all my past is back reclaiming me again and again.

the following day was a concert, and this was even worse... never though I can be moved with classical music that much, all I know is that for the rest of this night I was so calm and so alone, I got totally displaced from the group and the moment, I was like in my own space, with my own memories and my own sadness ...

letting go seems harder than I ever though, today I remembered this:

" I don't want to get over her, I want to get her back!"

from the movie " 500 days of summer" ... although so close to me, but it seemed the dumpiest thing i ever heard/said!

Saturday, July 21, 2012

müde zu denken!

Ich mochte sie wirklich, und ich fühlte mich wirklich schlecht, dass sie fühlte sich nicht die gleiche

Ich denke nur, dass ich haben das Schicksal einen Freund von mir für mich erwartet

leben unglücklich und allein sterben

Habe ich verzweifeln? Ich weiß wirklich nicht, aber sicher relatiosn nicht wie Arbeit für mich an!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012


Is it wrong that I am not fighting for this?

Ok, let me say things mainly to myself...

First, I have a huge problem of commitment, I already have fears of the future and of my always changing feelings and mind, yet that is not the reason I am not fighting for it, I was never of the kind that lets his fear of the future stops him from doing what he believes in

The problem is that I think if fear of the future or whatever that may be scaring her is the reason for her to backup, then it is not deep enough or real enough on her side, and so it wouldn't make any sense to even talk about it!

I can't change the minds of ppl or their hearts, even if I can, I wouldn't choose to do that! although some ppl think that this is a smart guys stuff to hunt a girl and get her, but sorry, I don't see it as a battle or a game, I see it as a life chance, something that must be really wanted by both sides

I have made my choice a very long time ago about this, thought sometimes I get misunderstood that I don't care enough but I made it clear between me and myself, my partner in life must want this as much as I want it, not a bit less

Random Thoughts and messages to nobody

I haven't been coming here so often lately, just like so many other things that i haven't been doing lately, and just like how i miss coming here i also miss my old me, so much that when i read back my posts here, i feel it is completely by somebody else, somebody i barely know from a very very long time

 Just recently I have been so much thinking about how ppl try to escape from their future, it just gets them stuck where they are afraid to lose what they have or afraid to get hurt some ppl think of change as a dangerous thing,

 i understand that it is scary, to leave the known and go for the unknown, to try something with a 50-50 chance of failure, to be afraid of getting hurt, but know what? I think we die from the inside if we don't change!

 if we don't move on and evolve Nothing stays the same and if you try to keep things as they are, you just end up dead inside, stuck and frozen in time and even that thing you tried to hold on to, will lose its taste after a while

 You can't deceive time, it is either you walk with it or it will grab you by our neck, so better go willingly and enjoy it I have been never afraid of change, and though i miss this person i was in the past, i also know i can't be back in history, he was there in the right time but back then, that was his time, not now

 Don't be scared of life, don't think much and plan much for the future, for all i know, we will not be the same person 1 year from now, and for all i know, we might not even like the same things we like now, so why should we even bother with the far feature! Just dropping some random thoughts here

Saturday, July 03, 2010

To get over something

To get over something you need many things, if you miss any of them, then this thing/event will remain inside you for so long, will leave a scar that can't be removed not even by time

firstly, you need to understand what happened, if there is something pending, something unresolved, it will keep like a trigger, and endless pain, a reminder that can't be shutdown that keeps your mind busy with questions like, why and how !!?

secondly, you need acceptance, to understand that things that ended would have ended whatever you would have done, it was destined to end and you can't reverse the universe time... you must accept that life won't always go the way you want it to go, that ppl may be different than what you thought them to be and that you still have things to learn about life... if you don't have acceptance you live in denial, and living in denial is not living at all.

finally you need a decision to continue living, to avoid fear and really move on with your life, to know that failure is just another fact of life, a step before success, a state that should never be endless unless we loose the hope and the well to change it... to know that we will always have more chances and that life would never stop sending us more changes and blessings...

I know the rules, I know all of them, yet I still find it extremely hard to apply them on some case I met, the reason is because of the first rule that I still can't apply... some issues stayed unresolved, some questions stayed inside me open and couldn't find a chance to ask them and get back answers from life, i am trying to avoid the questions, trying to convince myself that whatever the answer will be it won't change the fact that it is over, yet it is still so hard to get over this while i have these buggy questions in my mind like burning ashes in my brain!!

Saturday, June 05, 2010

5th of June

5th of June... start of 1967 War... a day to remember, not a day to ignore