Back to life, free

To get over something

2010-07-03T09:45:00.000-07:00

To get over something you need many things, if you miss any of them, then this thing/event will remain inside you for so long, will leave a scar that can't be removed not even by time

firstly, you need to understand what happened, if there is something pending, something unresolved, it will keep like a trigger, and endless pain, a reminder that can't be shutdown that keeps your mind busy with questions like, why and how !!?

secondly, you need acceptance, to understand that things that ended would have ended whatever you would have done, it was destined to end and you can't reverse the universe time... you must accept that life won't always go the way you want it to go, that ppl may be different than what you thought them to be and that you still have things to learn about life... if you don't have acceptance you live in denial, and living in denial is not living at all.

finally you need a decision to continue living, to avoid fear and really move on with your life, to know that failure is just another fact of life, a step before success, a state that should never be endless unless we loose the hope and the well to change it... to know that we will always have more chances and that life would never stop sending us more changes and blessings...

I know the rules, I know all of them, yet I still find it extremely hard to apply them on some case I met, the reason is because of the first rule that I still can't apply... some issues stayed unresolved, some questions stayed inside me open and couldn't find a chance to ask them and get back answers from life, i am trying to avoid the questions, trying to convince myself that whatever the answer will be it won't change the fact that it is over, yet it is still so hard to get over this while i have these buggy questions in my mind like burning ashes in my brain!!

5th of June

2010-06-05T11:01:00.000-07:00

5th of June... start of 1967 War... a day to remember, not a day to ignore

Acceptance

2010-06-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

Some things in life can't be fought against... some things are there, and just there, there is nothing you can do about them, you only have to accept them and cure your wounds, learn how to live and go on just for a vague hope that things may be different some other time, that god will once give you his mercy and bless you some time in your life...

many times i get on the verge of surrendering to life, surrendering to the flow of humans and be just another one in the river, yet something in me keeps me away, something that is getting weaker and weaker everyday but still there

something that tells me that may be someday things change, tomorrow, next year or in the next life

something that tells me that if i surrender, then i am already dead

Mood

2010-05-30T12:11:00.000-07:00

Feeling more lonely than I ever had in my life... with all the friends and half friends I have, can't find a single person that I would feel comfortable to tell what I have or what I feel

Decisions

2010-05-26T09:58:00.000-07:00

Taking one of the most hard decision in my life... the kind of decisions that whenever you take, you never look back, knowing nothing about the future, living just with dreams and fragments of thoughts and emotions...

completely like stepping on the clouds... were you don't see your feet nor can feel the ground, but moved with a strange motivation, is it destiny? I don't know but all i know is that I have to do this step, I want to do this step, right now, that way, as crazy as it might look, as unexpected as it might feel, just do it.

Just words

2010-03-27T17:32:00.000-07:00

- sometimes you do have to do the mistake to learn, but doing the same mistake
twice has nothing to do with learning, it only has something to do with either stupidity or denial.

- in every person you will find something that you love, but you only stick to the persons that don't have any of the things you can't stand

- marriage may be the best and holiest human bonds.
unfortunately this only applies for true marriage, which doesn't almost exist

- if your love partner is not really paying attention to your inner stuff then he most probably only loves his own reflection in your eyes.

The cave man

2010-01-25T17:09:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was a cave man, the man that lived so safe and
secure in his cave, away from the wildness outside, but there always was something missing...

One day he decided to go out, search for it, fill in the missing parts of his soul, all he wanted was a live and a real love... he didn't search for glory, didn't search for profit or success or career, all he ever wanted was a calm life with passion and emotions around

Now the cave man is back to his cave, not just failing to find any, but loosing alot of what he already had, loosing a lot of mind & soul peace, loosing a lot of his innocence

In his cave he returned, shutting all the doors and trying to put the parts left of his soul all together

Sharing

2009-09-07T20:03:00.000-07:00

Sharing in our lives has a different taste in each phase, and each phase has its unique kind of sharing.

0 – 12 years: sharing is with family, you share joy, sadness and events all with family
13 – 23 Years: sharing is mostly with friends, sharing with family still exist but this phase is for friends, without them sharing has no meaning and you would feel alone

24 – 34 Years: sharing is with your lover, sharing has its unique taste that without it everything seems incomplete, each single joy and each single experience seems missing an important element

35 - … : sharing is with family again, this time the family you created

sharing types overlap but in each phase, if you couldn't grab the phase type of sharing, and with all the ppl in the world around you and with all the sharing of the world you would still feel lonely

Harvest Moon

2009-07-10T07:56:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that the moon looks bigger and more colorful than usual??

How you ever watched the amazing rise or set for a big reddish moon? Was it really bigger than usual?

Bigger moons in the sky are a very usual phenomenon that most of as watched multiple times but rarely questions for the reasons!!

Amazingly enough; this phenomenon has no well defined reason!! It was commonly thought that this is an optical illusions where the moon looks bigger than usual when it is low in the sky where trees and buildings can be in the foreground making the mind establish a comparison, that yields to viewing it to be bigger than usual.

Yet recent researches show that bigger moons also looks bigger if you view it from a plane in the sky, where nothing in the foreground or the background but clouds!

Harvest moons are a special case of bigger moons, it obtained its name from old tradition to use nights with harvest moons to continue working in fields after sun set, the reason for that is that harvest moons rise in sky very shortly after sun-set giving enough light to continue whatever work you were doing, old civilizations used this opportunity and named it harvest moon.

But what makes a harvest moon looks reddish? The fact that the moon at this period looks lower in the sky makes its light travels longer distance in our earth atmosphere circles, which distracts larger amounts of its light of different colors, yet red color component always travels straight ahead to your eyes giving it the distinguished red color for harvest moons.

One of the amazing facts about harvest moons is that it provide enough light that will enable you to view a book clearly, yet you won't be able to read a single word inside although the book will seem having enough light !! the reason is in the nature of light received its self that the eye can't utilize to distinguish characters !!

Living in a crowded city, you may never watch a harvest moon and could fully test those facts, lucky me, I witnessed a harvest moon while living in the desert and could watch the amazing huge reddish moon face enlightening the black space in the desert.

Unbreak My Heart

2009-04-25T12:57:00.000-07:00

Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take these tears away
I need your arms to hold me now
The nights are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me

Unbreak my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Uncry these tears
I cried so many nights
Unbreak my heart, my heart

Take back that sad word good-bye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don't leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss this pain away
I can't forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me

Ohh, oh
Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Bring back the nights when I held you beside me

Unbreak my
Unbreak my heart, oh baby
Come back and say you love me
Unbreak my heart
Sweet darlin'
Without you I just can't go on
Can't go on

Not him!! not him!!!

2009-01-02T08:06:00.000-08:00

Sherif hamdy... one of my friends in the past, it has been very long not seeing him but suddenly I open my facebook account and find his photo, that one displayed here...

I don't know what to say, I have known sherif for a very long time, he is one of the most peaceful persons you could meet, funny and peaceful and very innocent...

I don't think of a single reason for this man to be in jail, I can't think of him dealing with such a situation, I really feel horrible with the idea of this guy, that always sounded and acted like a kid, is now having to deal with ppl in prison!!

I am trying to find any info about this strange news, if anyone knows anything about what happened, and what is going on with sherif, plz tell me.

God save us from this nonsense...

2008 harvest

2009-01-01T07:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had a long break at work, I got out & started to hang out through smart village streets, the weather was sunny and great and I was totally alone there.

I remembered then it was the last day in the year, memories started to come and it was like the year harvest is being concluded…

I was like: “Man… this year sucks!!!”

Through 2008 I had my hardest time in the army, too many problems & so much pressure & I started again to smoke, by the mid of the year I started to collapse under the pressure of the army stuff and my night job… I could barely have time to think or sleep or eat… most of my meals were junk food and on a hurry to get back working.

In 2008 I had mixed emotions that I failed to understand & made my biggest mistake ever: I broke the heart of the nearest person to me!

Few months before the end of the year, I got laid off from work, I became jobless for the first time in my life, and things seemed unclear…

By the end of the year I got very sick, I kept taking medicine for 2 months and up to this moment I am still affected by this problem and still can’t live a normal life although pretending to do.

Trying to find another job wasn’t that pleasant, I lost my confidence in many persons when I started to realize they are not that good, they were playing dirty games with me and I was like “the idiot trusting person”, I even though of changing my career completely and was almost about to do it before I found my current job!

Very amazing year… huh? Full of wonderful stuff!!

Looking on the empty half of the cup? Let’s be honest, the cup was almost completely empty this year!!

But to be honest there was something through out this year that tells me I won’t fall down, In every trouble I had I was saved by something like a miracle, in the right time something happens to save me and get me out of some trouble and I was like: “I must be really lucky”

But I understand it wasn’t about luck at all, it is all about god, support from god got me out of horrible troubles in the army and through many other problems, it was like god sending me a message not to despair, to hang in there and keep fighting.

I am happy 2008 ended, took with it lots of memories that I will remember and will hate to do that, will always feel sorry and regret for many mistakes, but I must look forward to the new year now, I still have a whole new year to correct my mistakes in I guess

The price

2008-07-25T11:12:00.000-07:00

There is always a price for the truth, the truth seems the most costy thing in life , at least on the short range...

Believe me, to be ready to pay the price of the truth today is much better than living a lie and going on with it, your lie will grow with time, and so the cost until you come to the point were you can't pay the price alone, also those whom you love will have to pay the price, the price of your weakness and being a cowered, will you then be able to forgive your self?

Some truth hurts on the short range but it is a relief on the long range, some lie brings false happiness on the short range but brings disaster on the long range, it is a trade and you decide , almost all your life you have to decide

Trip- El hamraa ecolodge

2008-07-05T16:15:00.000-07:00

Time: Friday morning.
Location: El hamraa ecolodge, wadi el notroon, near omar oasis.

Activity: acquiring self peace ...

I had a wonderful day, the place was so peaceful , the silence had nothing interrupting it but the sound of the wind, birds and the music tracks and songs that we select to be played in the place.

the whole place is tuned to one frequency, the frequency of nature, everything is natural in design and implementation, the huts, the roads, buildings and even the food, even the food tasted differently!!

A place you can fall in love with from the first moment... I can't describe it more, it is just amazing.

Many thanks for the lovely person that introduced me to this place and shared this day with me there :)

Experience

2008-06-22T06:17:00.000-07:00

Experience , I always thought that you could handle different experiences, struggle & get through, but ....

Wrong, wrong, wrong !!!

the negative experience that you struggle & try as much as possible to get through without being affected, without your soul gets infected is a big illuision.

there is no such a thing like negative experience, nor a positive one, there is experience and over...

what makes it negative or positive is your act regarding it, you can find in what looks like the most negative experience, i say you can find lots of positive sides!

also consider it, as long as you look at the negative sides , fear it , care for it you will always be defending, running from it & this who runs can't see his road well & he will miss each positive side on his fake struggle to make it out, and believe me you can't make it out clean!!

you can't for that there is nothing that pass by us without leaving effect, what you have done is just blocking each chance to be affected by the positive sides & finally fall in the negative side ...

Think positive, act positive for that there is nothing real out there other than what we make of it..

Maged

Miar

2008-04-08T18:18:00.000-07:00

Let me Welcome here the newest and youngest member in the crazy "El shafie" family !!

Little "Miar" has joined the club, still so calm and seems not really understanding what is going on around her, will know soon how qualified-crazy- she is to be part of the family :)

Abortion

2008-02-11T04:28:00.000-08:00

my friend, who is very liberal & believes so much in individual personal rights believes that abortion should be rightfull

she claims the following: if the little foetus is a complete human and have the full right to live then who gave him the right to be a parasite on another human not accepting his presence inside??

I don't see it like this, if you are in a ship and you accept to transport someone in the sea then in the middle of the sea you changed your mind and don't want him in anymore, do you have the right to drop him in the water by the claim that you own the ship & you don't want him inside ? Obviosly not !!

it is much the same, for all men & women, if you only want sex then for gods sake use protection & if you don't use it then you have implicitly accepted the possibility of having a new creature , a new independent creature that has the right to live & nobody on earth has the right to abort his life !!

In 2007

2008-01-04T05:01:00.000-08:00

Lately I was in one of my deepest depressions, I thought with the start of a new year to think about where I am now and where I have been, may be this could change my mood and make me understand how much gifted I am and how much better from many others in similar situations

those were my gift and with lists in 2007, the order is not significant at all, it is just the order of writing them down on papers and have no importance

Wish list:

1- get a job

2- finish my masters

3- get a car

4- get a new laptop

5- love

6- make new friends

7- return to cairo

8- travel with friends to some place nice

9- leave the army

10- get cured from something personal

gift list:

1-got new friends [thanks you guys :) ]

2-got a car

3- got a new great job that i really love with ppl that i really love and respect

4-returned to cairo and spent all the year there

5- travelled with friends twice

6- feel like totally cured from that thing that was in my heart and my soul

7-found mind & soul matches [a rare thing these days]

The cave

2007-12-29T07:40:00.000-08:00

I am back to my cave, for the current things and changes running, I think I could use sometime being with me, if only I could find it free to stay with

Gathering

2007-11-15T16:40:00.000-08:00

it was a new idea and i love new ideas, telling the truth, i might do something that seems wrong, feels wrong, tastes wrong just because it is new

the last time i couldn't join but this time i had nothing in my mind so i decided it is time to come to this gathering as a change, for those who know me i am not a very social person, you can rarely see me in the light of the day in the normal cases !!

ok, I really liked the group, we didn't start talking in big talks or stuff like that rather we were talking about our selves, which is more human and more attractive in a gathering of this kind, but behind that talk i couldn't but notice that every one in this place had a different thing, in the mind, the soul, they were all if not open to ideas, at least not closed which is something between accepting and rejecting, i can't describe that well i guess

i can't describe the persons well because i hardly know them, just my introducer and the rest were totally brand new to me, i even didn't know any names, later on i met someone i know from blogsphere and someone else was supposed to come but he didn't show up

finally, knowing that i didn't look alright, this was for two reasons that i didn't tell the group not to spoil the day for them, the first was related to me being sick from over two days, high temp and a horrible pain in my head, they were talking about similar ppl that gets addicted to pain killers, i didn't tell them that i am almost one of those :)

the other thing was related to my car which increased my worries, as soon as i parked it under the building, it just stopped responding and i had great doubts that it will take me to work afterwards, this was translated into reality when i came down and it wouldn't move and i had to get a tech to check it just to tell me that a stupid electrical wire was d/c and that is all!!

ok , on the overall i had great fun and pleasure and i really wanted to stay longer, i was like reminding my self every 5 mins that i got to go to work now, so i finally took my self to my car and ran away

Humans & destiney

2007-10-15T06:27:00.000-07:00

2 years go i read a mail on my college group , it was speakiung about nmormal & upnormal ppl, the mail was making fun of the traditinal ppl who live and die in a traditional way.

Triggered by the amil to think about the issue i looked to the other side of the story ; who is the happy one, or say, who is the lucky between them ??

yesterday we had a big discussion that lasted for several hours , it was like the following points:

who is the ordinary and the extraordinary man ? Is it related to achievements?

Achievements were never a good measure , lots of ppl have abilities that never find its chance...

I think then a good definition would sound like : a person with upnormal gifts & abilities and the most important with the abilitiy to take hard decisions.

This upnormal person has always greater awareness than other normal ppl , his direct interest cycle is larger and exceeds his personal interests

a man with wider interests has wider and bigger problems, he has more troubles than others and certainly then, more pain!!

at this point i was satisfied that the lucky one is the ordinary one, he lives a normal life matching his abilities , not reguired to make a difference & he is satisfied with what he got, he is like a water drop in the river, it never tries to swin the other way and it is not required to do so , when she gets tired, it will be pulled norally by the flow to the right direction..

we can say then : less awareness, less care, less pain and finally more happiness!!

i thought that being happy is a selfish demand but don't we deserve to go selfish sometimes??

but a friend gave me a different look on the crisis:

why don't those small problems represent as heavy lood for the normal person as the huge problems do for the upnormal person ? I mean related to his limited gifts those small problems could fill his life and represent the same worries as for the upnormal man!! ??

isn't it also related to his abilities and qualifications ??

i really don't have a direct answer for this question, but i noticed something:

as much awareness as higher the rates of suicide and depression goes, compare between countries and cities and between individuals and you will see what i mean !!

now, doesn't this support my original idea??

the final point was about choice:

i guess we really don't have the choice, the normal man can't live upnormally because it is beyond his abilities, also the upnormal man can't go selfish and live a normal life for himself only, his idle abilities won't let him do it, he can't taste the happiness immetating to be someone else, simply, he has to be the one he is !!

back to the original question i really wonder, is it really a gift to be different or is it a duty, who is the really gifted one in this life then ??

once a person told an upnormal person “ son, you are different, you will live unhappy and die alone!!! “

Moving backwards

2007-10-08T17:10:00.000-07:00

you have two options to move backwards:

1- either you move backwards

2- or just stay still in your position while all the others move forward

A boat trip

2007-08-21T10:49:00.000-07:00

days ago, while setting on the cafe me and my friends we got bored,
so a crazy idea came to our minds and we took the cars, and drove directly to it

someone on the nile of maadi, I stopped the car and we went to the nearest shop,
we got the pepsi and stuff and headed to a small boats port on the nile

there we met “3aaam hassan”, the old “marakby” -sailor- from aswan
we picked an old wind boat.. a one called “el hoot”, it was like part of history
with its old flags ...

we went deep in the nile, with the wind getting stronger..
the man thought we are of the traditional kind so he tried to put some songs on,
we stopped him, we appreciate silence and peace in this wonderful weather,
with the black sky, black waves of water and the spots of lights from both sides

I lied on the top of the boat on my back, watching the sky and breathing..
not thinking of anything, work, army, my past wounds or my current wounds..
i could for a while get out of all this and have my self some real peace..
like the silence and calm around me could somehow get inside me

I believe this effect wouldn't be if it was a big engine boat,
or if there was any kind of music in the background,
i guess silence is the masterpiece of all music

Car accident

2007-07-25T12:14:00.000-07:00

Today my car had its first accident, although it was a minor accident and had no effect on my car but i was really upset because I got it few weeks ago and I care a lot for my stuff

But what surprised me how the other driver was so scared of me!! I was mad but I am a peaceful man, I don't look like a red deamon when I am angry I mean, and at that point I figured out why he was scared!!

I was in the military uniform.. ppl have high sensitivity from military persons , and I didn't like that, although I know that ppl are more comfortable with armed forces from their freelings with the police but I didn't like to be scared off because of my suit , this wasn't for my pride at all

Ok, the accident left a small scar on my car that will live for a while now i guess :(

Quote

2007-07-25T12:03:00.000-07:00

If you stop long for the impossible, you will loose many chances for the possible!!
[Valid in love & life]

Pessimisim group

2007-06-09T13:17:00.000-07:00

Ok, the idea is simple, me and some of my friends started to notice how we have a different look on the world, more specific a pessimistic look

I was discussing with one of my pessimistic friends about creating a group to gather us and speak about our different ideas, all in a pessimsitic frame, what do you think guys?

I believe if we grow in number we can get a good deal with a hit man to take over our mission and finish our bad luck, side benefits from the group :)

FreeSoul

40 years after 1967

2007-06-01T10:07:00.000-07:00

Just starting early this year, can I make a call for all of us to take an hour a day for the following few days until the 5th of june comes to read about this war?

can we dedicate a little portion of our future to review our past so that we might, i say we might learn something that may be of great importance one day ?

can we dedicate some small part of our busy lives for those who lost their lives not even knowing why and how ? can we?

can we forget our differences a little, christian, muslim, shiie, liberal, ekhwan or whatever and remember that bullets never looked for a name or religion?

can we ? simple test it is but will be do it?

Links:

al arabiya

Wikipedia

Egyptian POWs

BBC news on the 5th of june

"Time" out of time

2007-05-04T09:24:00.000-07:00

3 days ago I got up from my afternoon asleep with a strange idea, in few minutes i got my bag and my stuff and left for Alex

when I arrived to the station, it was just 5 mints before the train moves so it was few seconds after i reached then i was on my way

I didn't invite anyone with me, didn't call anyone BEFORE I go, i delayed that to call my friends from the train telling them that i will spend sometimes alone in alex

in Alex, I met one of my very dear friends that I haven't seen from quite a while, we spent sometime together but the rest of the time was spent by me alone , which was something I really needed a lot

setting by the rocks in the middle of the sea, away from everything that might ever be called a "shore" , away from humans from any kind I could have peace with my entity, I could reorder the small pieces of me and try to see a different Pict for them

48 hours and I took my last tour taking the good bye photo shown here, with the promise of many returns for such a fool action.

P.S: I went and returned using the same train and same carriage and even same seat number, all by chance because I never book my tickets on advance, weired , isn't it?

Horizontal vs vertical thinking

2007-04-27T07:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, vertical thinking is the way we all know, givings and work on those givings lead to findings

on the other hand we must admit that most of great findings were somehow found by chance, or at least before they come to the light there was no real basis for them before a genuis mind could reveal them

this is what is known as horizontal thinking, it is the way in which you are not tied to the well known basis of some matter, your mind is open to start from any brand new start, make a revolution at any time on the current theories and make up your own, even if it looks and tastes wrong, you start testing it and if it works , yooha, if not then you learn at least from the experience

they said before the invention of the radio that it won't go far a way, they were basing this on real strong basis that radio waves move in direct lines, but testing succeeded, why ?

simple because they didn't know -and the one who made the test didn't know either- that some parts of earth air can reflect certain radio frequencies!!

horizontal thinking is like digging in the desert,. when you have difficulty in one hole you just desert it and make a brand new start in another location, while vertical thinking insist on being committed to the well defined basis and try to make the hole deeper and deeper

From a book by Edward De Bono

Smart enough? Solve this !!

2007-04-20T04:25:00.000-07:00

A merchant was in debt for an old ugly man, the old man asked the poor merchant for his money or his daughter to be his wife

The poor man and his daughter were in trouble, the old man then suggested that god could give them the answer, he suggested to pick two small rocks, one black and the other one is white, put them in a bag

The girl then will be asked to pick one of the two rocks, the white one means she is free of the marriage and her father free of his debt, the black one frees her father from the debt yet she has then to marry the old man

When they came to the selected place, the old man picked two rocks and put them in the bag, the poor miserable girl noticed that he picked TWO BLACK rocks, if she refuses to pick one he will send her father to prison, she can’t either uncover that he is cheating because she can’t guarantee his response

If you where in her place, what would you do ?

P.S : If you know the story don’t answer it, just use your mind if you don’t know it, traditional ways mostly won’t lead to a good answer

Try not to be cough cheating from the old man or else, you will have to marry the old man :D

It is simple, but a little tricky

Good Luck

Friend (Dedication)

2007-04-09T11:19:00.000-07:00

Very long time ago, something like 2 years ago, and all by a coincidence I was discovering the features of Blogspot service, I pressed the next button after my blog to go randomly to another blog and it was hers’

From the first moment I read the few texts that were there on her blog at that time I felt comfortable with it, I felt like this buddy could say things I always wanted to say

2 whole years passed, during them I visited her blog times and times and somehow I started to believe that my visits to her blog sometimes reveals things about me that I didn’t know before, in many cases small words she wrote could help me change my point of view for some important decisions, even if she never knew about that

it was the first friend blog I meet , for sure I met many others and liked many others but to say the truth, this blog meant to me a different thing, it had a taste thing like a voice in me, a voice that says the truth that I sometimes can’t say or can’t face

wisdom is not something you learn from books, it is something you learn from ppl like her and somehow I got to learn more from this friend, our similarities are much even if we don’t share language or home country, yet it seems that souls are shaped regardless sometimes of any conditions

this friend is Lemna …

The lost feelings

2007-04-05T02:21:00.000-07:00

it started long ago when I found out that i can't feel the pain, i don't mean feelings pain, I do mean physical pain, getting hurt and cut in my body couldn't be sensed !! years passed and I got used to discover wounds in my body by chance after they bleed for long without me feeling a thing!!

few days ago i felt something in my leg, i checked to find a deep hole in my leg, i don't know how it did happen but it seems that something went through my leg and came out again from the same entry leaving a deep and a little wide hole

it reminded me of a similar thing when i got up to find out that i had a cut in my leg of about 8 cm long , blood all over my clothes and not knowing how it happened

-----------------------------------------------------------

losing the feeling of pain may be something simple compared to losing the feel of happiness, since a while i lost the sense of happiness, the things that used to make me happy can't thrill me any more, it seems that i forgot how to be happy too

Rachel Corrie

2007-03-22T10:59:00.000-07:00

23, a little younger than me, away from home and friends

Made of those people her family, her new friends, lived like them, ate their food and slept in their homes

Played with their kids, suffered their sufferings and had even their own nightmares

She said once in one of her letters to her mothers that she was having nightmares of bulldozers and tanks out of her own house… to that much she shared their feelings, she shared them their destiny

The smile on her face, the simple look in her eyes, you can see her transparent soul through her smiling eyes, with her weak body she stands full of trust and faith against evil, against terror and hate

Rachel stood against the bulldozers and tanks.. They moved but she stood still, afraid but strong, weak but confident

She stood still while they moved closer and closer, the shouts of her friends and companions didn’t prevent them from doing their crime

Rachel Corrie’s body was crushed by the bulldozer of the IDF in 16-3-2003... Stepped over her body, for a while it seemed like he is going to proceed his nasty work over her body, then he moved back... Back on her body

Dying in hospital between Palestinians, away from her home and family between those who she has chosen to share destiny with

Full story : http://electronicintifada.net/cgi-bin/artman/exec/view.cgi/7/1248

memories

2007-02-22T07:12:00.000-08:00

late at night i was leaving the university, for a second i felt like someone is following me with his eyes, i thought this was because i was wearing the military suit which is somehow strange sight

I took the first bus, selected a chair with the a broken chair beside it, i was seeking privacy to listen to music and read on the way home

some guy came and left all the other chairs and sat beside me.. a few moments passed before he started speaking:

"you were with us in communications dept, right?"
"Yes, i am still with you !!" a big question mark was in my eyes!!

"you were teaching us C++ in the labs, in the first year"

here i started to understand.. for about 20 mins we kept speaking about univ, work and stuff, he brought back the memories of my golden age when i was teaching in the univ

when he left i was happy for two reasons, this memory could bring some joy and some hope in my heart, and i was pleased that someone still have good memories about me and still remember me somehow!!

it is only memories that tells us we lived once, it is only memories that is left at the end

2006

2007-01-03T06:24:00.000-08:00

I though a lot before starting to write this…

Trying to evaluate my past year was a very hard task, if I let my self go with my emotions

I would give a black judgment on the year

After another deep look I understand that it wasn’t my best year, yes for sure, but it was a very important year of my life, a friend of mine sent me a site taking about year cycles and relating it to the date of birth and something like that, although I don’t believe in that stuff yet I spent time reading what the site estimated about my 2006 and what it predicted about 2007

Somehow what I read triggered something in me, in 2006 I had a disease that I suffered a lot from, a disease in my soul, not in my body

The hardest disease is the one your soul loves and wishes to keep, it is now a real fight with your own soul to help it while it lies accepting its problem and unwilling to fight against it, it was a hard time and a zillion times I felt like no way .

But at someday I woke up and it was gone, my fierce fighting was over and it was gone, I know it left scars all over my soul yet what matters is that it is gone now

For days I felt it like a hand catching my soul, squeezing it hard and cold, it prevented me from opening my heart for others, from telling them what I feel or feeling what they tell

In 2006 I had many changes, many rises and many falls but between them what affected me is what I tell you know; it is the soul that matters at the end.

Do you want to know what the site told me?

It told me that 2006 witnessed lots of endings and major changes, and a new startup, it told me that during 2006 I had the deepest hard feelings but I have to let all go now, or that is what happened in 2006, telling that 2007 would witness a new rise and a brand new life, I hope they are right then!!

ِِِAlex

2006-10-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

The last three days of Ramadan in Alex, this was a great time actually

I needed this time, I really needed this time as a real refreshment of my soul, and it has been sooooo long since I last went to any place by the sea, whole 4 years

My flat there, I almost forgot how it look like, I arrived late on Saturday and returned on Tuesday early morning

You may notice that I returned the first day of the feast, I meant that because I hate noise and crowds so I picked the days I know that Alex will never be crowded in and I was right, it was great without crowds, quiet and beautiful

Sitting by the sea, listening to music and watching the black sea without any light but small lights from the far far boats, the sound of the wind around

I had a great time yet I wanted to be with myself more, some stuff needed me to clear my mind to think of and I had my friends with me so although I got great pleasure there yet I wanted to devote some more time to be with myself, the true one that I need to talk to now before taking some important decisions

I think I will go there again soon, some stuff has to be finished, big stuff that will shape my future for ever

Remember

2006-10-13T06:08:00.000-07:00

When she looked at me deep in my eyes I understood that she now understood

The question in her eyes was clear, she feels the difference but don’t know why

As I didn’t tell her the reason in the begging I couldn’t tell her the reason at the end!!

Inside me I knew the reason: my dear... In the past you used to occupy a great area of my heart, now you just occupy a similar area but in my mind only... Without you there my heart is empty and gloomy!!

Years passed over that scene yet I still remember it, where are you now my friend and what life did with you??

23

2006-09-29T07:40:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday

How different it is from the last one I had, and how different I become during this year!!

I dare to say I got to know myself more during this year, more than anytime else... may be because I had the most beautiful times and most hard times all my life during this year, may be because I am growing up, becoming more and more independent of my fancy life and my fancy thoughts I had during my past life

This time the birthday seems different, smells different and tastes different

Gloomy a little, knowing the fact that I have to spend another 2 birthdays in the service , tasting different knowing that I will spend it in the desert, in the complete darkness with the people but totally alone

Even different because it is my first in Ramadan, different because I will spend it away from home, away from the whole city

Different because I can’t think of the past or the future, they all seem like a bottleneck now for me, all I think is how to cross this bottleneck and return to the open air again to breath… breath freely

The running shadow

2006-09-07T11:06:00.000-07:00

In an open area like the desert, when a small cloud covers the face of the sun it leaves a matching area of shadow on earth

Because the whole area is open you can see the shadowed area, as the cloud moves, the shadow runs towards/from you in a sight that you don’t see often

It was a lovely experience to see the shadow moving fast on the hills and the sand around in the open desert, another view I won’t forget easily

Don't Turn around

2006-09-06T10:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we have to make a check point, where we review our relationships.

Some relations aren’t supposed to go on, they last few days, months or even few years but finally, it isn’t meant to last, it is not well based and so it can’t survive.

It needs lot of courage to understand that, more courage to achieve the break and much more courage to maintain this decision.

It is hard to break a relationship, you always have fears; the fear that you might be wrong, the fear of loneliness, the fear of the other side reaction and the mysterious fear of the unknown future.

Yet it has to be done!!

We must at some point say enough and turn around, never look back again.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Don’t turn around now, you may see me cry” from “just walk away” song for celine dion.

Which one?

2006-09-01T06:24:00.000-07:00

While i was playing in my files, i found this photo, the date is wrong on it, it is about 15 years ago, so can you guess which one is me ? :D

The "real" change

2006-08-25T02:31:00.000-07:00

As long as we are alive, it is never too late to make any "real" thing.

Nothing can stop you, not even time, because real things doesn't rely on non-real things and time is not a real thing, it is just the way we describe things change in the materialistic life

Real things is the things inside, materialistic changes are just the way real changes show up in life

Real things can't be touched or seen, love is a fact yet you can't touch it, materialistic things are not real because they depend on the way you look at it that varies from person to another

So hard to say goodbye

2006-08-16T11:13:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine asked me about the meaning of the display name I have on google "how do I .. say goodbye"

here is the complete lyrics of the song, I got it from the internet

How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.

I thought wed get to see forever
But forevers gone away
Its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

I dont know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where weve been
And what weve been through.

If we get to see tomorrow
I hope its worth all the wait
Its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And Ill take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
Its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And Ill take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
Its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

Marvelous

2006-08-10T07:14:00.000-07:00

I won’t forget this view easily… this morning was so special; a lot of clouds filled the sky like a mercy of god to prevent the cruel sun beams from hitting on the humans

Thin holes were formed in the huge clouds wall, made of few adjacent holes, from each hole a cylindrical light beam could be seen falling from heaven to earth..

I could count about 12 or 15 light beams like this, in a view behind imagination, this view lasted over 3 hours, if only I had a camera!!!

Marvelous!!!!!!

Make it up

2006-08-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

In life, everything leaves scars

In love, you can never make it up, you can never mend what you broke, the scar never vanishes and the wounds always bleed

Be extremely wise when you have the chance.. you will never have the chance to fix it again.

Friendship

2006-07-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

It is strange how things start… strange how very small things and incident could make a huge change.

This is the story of my best friend in the army…

At the beginning he was just another man, all I knew about him was the name.
On one of the terrible tiring days, full with sun, actions, and training he fell so ill that he was almost totally unable to walk to drink water or get himself anything

At that time I hardly knew him... I told him I will see what I could do, I ran to my room and got him a bottle of water, and I asked a friend to get us two small bottles of juice. That was all.

The next day when he came to thank me, we had long conversation, we started it at that day but it didn’t end yet… we talk all the time during training, during breaks, during vacations, our friends’ say we never shut up :)

Ramy has been my friend since then, we helped each other to hold in many hard situations and I am glad I have such friends with me, that is the best thing I could get out of the current experience

Photo crisis

2006-07-23T02:46:00.000-07:00

Few days ago I-like many others- received a mail containing horrible photos for the result of Israeli bombing over Lebanon, like all others I was totally shocked yet the above photo draw the attention of the world while I didn't notice it much

as you can see the photo is for Israeli kids drawing and writing things over the shells, some of them were messages to Lebanese people and Nasrallah and hizb allah party!!

As you can imagine at once the two parts started to move, the Arabian part started to spread the disgusting photo while the Israeli side on some blogs gave some "weak" explanation for it

"On the day that photo was taken, the girls had emerged from the underground bomb shelters for the first time in five days. A new army unit had just arrived in the town and was preparing to shell the area across the border. The unit attracted the attention of twelve photojournalists - Israeli and foreign." said by Israeli blogger

Just one comment on this part... at least they have bomb shelters to hide... the 170 kids who died in Lebanon didn't have something like that i believe...

"Apparently one or some of the parents wrote messages in Hebrew and English on the tank shells to Nasrallah.”To Nasrallah with love," they wrote to the man whose name was for them a devilish image on television - the man who mockingly told Israelis, via speeches that were broadcast on Al Manar and Israeli television that Hezbollah was preparing to launch even more missiles at them. That he was happy they were suffering." said by the Israeli blogger

And I want to ask: “to teach hatred to a kid do you have to make him write the hate message personally? Isn’t it enough to let him see that sight and make him even sign this black message and draw a flag with it?"

Maybe they didn't mean to do so but don't you agree that this photo will stay in the innocent eyes of the kids attached to the Arabs?

"So, perhaps the parents were not wise when they encouraged their children to doodle on the tank shells. They were letting off a little steam after being cooped up - afraid, angry and isolated - for days." said the Israeli blogger

I totally agree... now let's consider the poor palestinian who lived all his life like this... in the danger of being killed, with shells in the air all the time, poor, hungry and afraid... how do you expect him to react then if you see this reaction on 5 days of "partial terror in air conditioned shelters" reasonable, how could be the reaction of the palestinians?

"I wonder how those people would feel if Israelis were to look at a photo of a Palestinian child wearing a mock suicide belt in a Hamas demonstration and conclude that all Palestinians - nay, all Arabs - are evil. " by the Israeli blogger

I believe I already answered this part, I didn't say they are angels... they teach their kids to hate too...

On another different topic that supports this topic, on every incident they claim that the Arabs want to destroy Israel... how the hell can us while you are much far stronger than all Arabs together!! Such words only come from sick minds that have one equation in their minds, either us or them!!

Stop targeting civilians... from both sides

Sick minds, we are all humans... war is not a game because when you die, you can't simply start a new game

lebanon

2006-07-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Edmund Burke

stay calm... rest in peace ... or in 2 pieces....

the lost feeling

2006-07-12T17:16:00.000-07:00

you come back with a milion thing to do, a milion buddy to meet and thousands of plans

your mind keeps jumping from this to that, you keep your eyes on the watch and feel time moving very fast...

at the end you discover that all the few things you could catch from your plans were meaningless and without real feeling, you spoiled them by paying much attention to the moving time... didn't give them what you should to really have them

that is what happened to me up to now, i need to focus on something and drop many others or else, i will loose everything

Parents act

2006-07-06T08:15:00.000-07:00

For the second time I meet the same problem, with a different friend this time!!

Parents all the time feel like they own us, yes sometimes they feel like we are idiots and they are responsible for handling everything even if this will hurt us or corrupt the way of life we want to have

The story was the same but with a harder way, his mother got him an apartment to get married in but at the first problem she said this is her money and she wants to take it back!!

This time his mother did it with him while he was away in the army, the world turned black in his eyes, what will he do or say to his fiancée, this is crazy!!

I couldn’t help this friend much, I was feeling very sorry for him and I thanked my self because I refused similar offers from my family many times, when I am ready to go I will go on my own alone.

Why could a mother do such a thing to her son while he is away from her in the desert!!!

away from cairo

2006-06-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

away from cairo... this is the longest period i ever spent away from cairo and totally disconnected from modern life...

how was it? cruel?? may be, but there were positive sides

how many times did you wish to stay with your own self to think but life didn't give you this chance?

i never had such a chance, i must admit here that spare time there was very rare but in the dark, silence rare moments many things can happen.

from a few days, more precise in 5/6/2006 i was moving on the sand at night under the moon and thinking about the same day from 39 years, do you remember it? many ideas came to my mind and many feelings played with my head

one other positive side is that i finally got to know egyptians more, i met people from all sides and i made friendship with many persons, on the other side i made good fights with many persons too!!

there are some other positive things but i will keep them to my self , at least for the moment.

Previously, FreeSoul

Good bye

2006-04-26T10:57:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, I will mostly be on my way to the army, so this is my last day here I guess

It is a good bye then, a good bye for you and for me too, for the character that lived here between you, this character has to move to the shadows now as it will not have a place to live in

I thank the chances that made me make this blog because I got through it to know all of you, some of you became very close friends to me and some even more.

Yet it is time to leave, everything must have a start and an end but believe me, the friendship we had though this place won’t end because it will always last as memories on the internet witnessing the talks we had together on the comments and the chat boxes J

It is time to pack my stuff, wish me luck then

Maged

Dahab

2006-04-24T14:48:00.000-07:00

Few days a go my mom came and asked me, why do I look sad!!

I didn’t know what to say, I finally spoke: “what on earth could make me happy??”

It is enough to listen to the news everyday to get you into deep depression, I don’t know how to express my emotions but it seems like I am lost

It seems the ethics I have has no real meaning, they are nonsense, they don’t have any meaning but in my fake world, but in the real outer world they mean nothing, they don’t exist

Everyday I read the news and it seems like blood falling from the letters if it is not already blood that was used to write those bold bloody headlines, it is not in Egypt only, it is all over the world… something like madness invading the entire universe leaving us in a real trouble

Today I spend long time trying to understand… why??

Why Egypt? Why Sinai?
Why during feasts? Why three times blasts happen in 6/10 (October war) and 23/7 (the revolution) and now 25/4 (Sinai liberation)???

I can’t say I am sorry for those accidents, we are all responsible somehow of such things, we are responsible for the acts that happen because we don’t move a finger to stop it like it is going on in another country, blaming the security for it, damn the security it is our country and if they are not interested to protect it then we should put them aside and handle it.

It is our silence and our “understanding” for violence against civilians in some other parts of the world (like Palestine) that gave those murderers the chance and the reason to make such blasts thinking they are doing the right thing.

Lemna was right when she commented on my topic about fears that the most dangerous fear is the fear of losing the difference between what is right and wrong, that is what drives people that mad and make them commit the most terrible crimes thinking they are just doing a great job!!

What is going in Sinai?? Does any one know what is going on there??

P.S: I meant to put a good happy photo for Dahab, I hope all blogs will not publish the bloody photos, it is painful enough

Seed of hate, stories from my past

2006-04-16T15:24:00.000-07:00

I am not going to get involved in the current madness running in Egypt; it is painful enough to watch it daily

Yet I wanted to tell you a story that happened to me when I was a kid

I had two friends, Mohammed and Remon, both were very good friends, we were always together like attending lessons together, study together and walk after school together until the driver come to take each of us

Someday Remon got away from us, he was like avoiding meeting me or Mohammed, with the white heart of a kid I couldn’t know why, and he even went away from us in a cruel way

At that time I had no idea of the meaning of a difference, being a Christian or a Muslim was just another meaning for the religion lesson that we move into a separate room and that is all, we never asked or wondered even why!!

A friend of mine came and told me that his family asked him to stay away from me and the other Muslim friends, and the reason was another boy in the group called Yousef, I never liked this guy, even a child could notice he has much evil!!

This was the first time I hit into such a stupid situation, all I can say is that it was cruel and I wondered what kind of parents could do that?

Lately my little niece came to me saying things about “her Christian friend” at school!! I wondered, where did she get that expression, she was talking like understanding there is a great difference, what did put such a seed in her young pure soul??

Sometimes I really thank god I was born for those parents specifically!!

Question!!

2006-04-10T15:27:00.000-07:00

What scares you more most of the time?

1. To be right
2. To be wrong
3. the people discovers you were wrong
4. you discover that you were wrong
5. you discover that you were right

Just today

2006-04-06T04:49:00.000-07:00

For our long time with each other, I never noticed she is a girl!!

she was the friend I can speak to, we were together since we were children and I could never think of her as different, or..

just today I understood that she is a girl, and just today I understood that she never forgot that, how could I !!!???

Forgive me for the times I couldn't realize the truth, sometimes you only realize what you want to realize, or what you need for

Happens in Egypt

2006-04-01T22:56:00.000-08:00

For all my life almost I lived in Egypt, yet after all these years I feel I never reached its heart

Yes we were separated from the heart of Egypt, we never had connections with people like normal people, me and my family were mostly disconnected from life in Egypt

We had our own procedure and our own style, we couldn’t approach people or understand them and in return they couldn’t understand us either.

I am really looking forward to know people more, to know Egypt more from the surface and historical touch I know, history tells you about the body of the country but the soul of it can’t be obtained but by direct contact

On another issue, I got offended much by a recent incident, why do people have double faces? Why do they act with you in a way different from the way they do with you??

Recently, I was offended by being called an idiot by someone who seemed to respect me when we directly contact, why did this someone speak badly about me? What this one knows about me to talk about me in such an aggressive way?

I am used to forgive people, but I can’t forgive to be betrayed easily, and I deeply feel offended, it could be my problem that I trust people easily, or let say that I assume good nature in all creatures.

Birthday

2006-03-31T07:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my blog aged its first year!!

I can’t imagine that a whole year has quickly passed since I started blogging online.

when I started my first blog, it was much like talking to myself, just the same as my little diary at home where I keep my thoughts, but like a public one

I was coming out of a strange experience, things were different and by time my point of view was changing, being reformed again

My first friends were Froggy, norhan, lemna and juwaireyah, sorted by the time of their visits.

Blogging introduced me to another world I never had an idea about, to different personalities and different cultures that I didn’t know or accept before, yet the most important thing is that it introduced me to my own self.

Throughout this year, I learned a lot about myself , I learned my weak points and my strength, I sometimes hated myself and some other times loved my identity just until I finally understood “ME” partially enough to live in peace

How many friends did I know? I really can’t count, I can’t count how many times we were different but I know we were loving and we mostly understood our differences and appreciated it.

What did I write about? About life, love, silence, Egypt, myself, my country, my friends, my books and about every single thought that I wanted to share with you, I wanted this blog to be like a window to my soul, a wide window that gets you a look to as much contents of my soul as you want.

A whole year passed and now I am out of power, out of power to talk anymore, the time of silence is approaching, really approaching

The prom

2006-03-24T14:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the prom day of our faculty, a lot of my co-workers went to attend, it was a special day

Two things I must note here, I wasn’t supposed to attend because I graduated with grade “good” and this prom is for those graduated with grade “very good” or higher

Yet I asked myself, if I was to attend, would I ?

I believe such moments were made to share, happiness can’t live in one heart, it actually lives between hearts.

While I don’t have anyone to share this moment with it would be totally useless to attend, I reviewed my attitude when I didn’t attend the other old prom that was made the last year for all of us regardless of the grade, I found that I was totally right

It is not a happy moment to live your happy moments alone, that is all I can say for sure.

Forgot to love

2006-03-24T09:07:00.000-08:00

Since I was born, since my first moments and my heart never stopped to work.

It used to love... Love as much as it can

I loved life, people and the sky

I loved her, I loved again and again.

I loved my work, my friends and my family

I loved freedom, justice … I loved love its self

When I searched for someone I don’t love I discovered it is just me.

I discovered o forgot to love myself… just my self

The secret war… on the way to hell

2006-03-21T16:26:00.000-08:00

“On the running debate between Muslims and Christians”

Over more than 3 hours I kept reading posts on different blogs, the secret war is running speedier then!!!!

A war beneath the surface, war between who? Between Muslims and Christians!!!

To tell you the truth, after a while, I got sick of what I was reading from both sides!! The claims of both sides can’t be classified under any description other than madness, racist ideas.

Of course there were some reasonable voices like the voice of alef, the old wise Muslim blogger and some others (including Christian bloggers) who I don’t know but that don’t change the truth, there is a war running out there.

Why do people think that their rule is to guide people to truth while they don’t spend much time trying to find it for their own selves?? Why do we claim to know things while what we do know is nothing almost??

I rarely get myself involved in a debate about religion, do you know why?

First, I don’t consider myself responsible for others thoughts and ideas, I don’t claim that I am so pure or better from them to guide them, and finally what am I to interfere with their free well to choose they destiny??

Secondly, what will that debate add??? I believe that a good Christian can help the society improve better than a bad Muslim, and also a good Muslim will help the society better than a bad Christian, both religions are great enough that I believe if we just know how to follow them right we will stop this shaming war against each other and learn how to build together a life and let religion to god!!

Why can’t we simply accept each other and stop the biasing that blinds our eyes from the truth when we rush to “defend our religion” and on the way we do all possible mistakes and sins thinking we are doing a great job, I hear address my speech to Muslims and Christians equally because what I see is more than a shame, it is crazy and unbearable!!

Why don’t we understand that Egypt, the country we are fighting over its cake is very weak and in a very bad position and needs support from all her citizens if we want her to survive!!

Why can’t we listen to this wise voice that told me years before “in 10 years there will be no Egypt!!” and try to prevent this disaster!

Why can’t we spend half this great energy we spend in calling that this girl was kidnapped or this girl was taken back by force to the church on efficient work to help the country, or even on work to really understand and apply the orders of our holy books??

Did I tell you that I was for an interval interested in reading in religions?? Out of my experience with holy books I can tell for sure that the concepts and ethics are the same, the same ethics we never apply in our “holy fight to defend our religion!!”

Why can’t all of us let all this nonsense aside and understand that in this country we are all in a bad situation and the only way out is to work for its best not to work for “our best” because there is no such separable “us”, one nation faces one destiny.

It is hard to believe but some Muslims better see a night club in the nearby and not a church!! Imagine that, a house for evil versus a house for god!!!

On the other side I see Christians in favor if Israel on talking to Muslim brotherhood!!

People of Egypt… are you out of your minds??????????

Freesoul

Changing mood

2006-03-15T16:03:00.000-08:00

2 days ago, I got some annoying news from work, talks about extra tasks in limited time with a scheduale of the spend-the-night-at-work type!!

yesterday, when i got up I felt like not going, so I stayed in bed for half the day and spent the rest of the day talking with my mom, my brothers all over the world and some friends, i had a large tour online too but all that didn't change my mood from the low mood i had

tomorrow i got tons of things waiting for me, the low mood i have is making me lazy and somehow, not in the best case to work.

lately i noticed that i don't understand either arabic or english talks easily, I started to speak quickly and jump from one topic to another suddenly, my manager had a real problem understanding my design 2 days ago because i was discussing 46 functions at the same time

what is going to me?? I don't know!! :(

A car accident- Follow up

2006-03-04T15:03:00.000-08:00

Do you remember the car accident I had almost a year ago, more precise on the 23rd of last april??

that accident that i was about to die in, and the driver ran away, do you remember that?

Ok, the guy was arrested and now he will have to go to court to defend himself there!!

today, my sis opened the door to find three doors-I mean three huge humans- standing on the door, they claimed that they know me, my father came and after questioning them they told him that one of them is the owner of the car.

the man kept apologizing for what happened, he claimed he wasn't the driver and he just owns the car, he claimed that the driver took the car without any papers and so he will be taken in his place if i send him to prison, he claimed every thing possible to have forgivness!!

I wasn't home, my father first treated him very hard but my father has a kind heart and at last he told him that this is not his decision, it is the decision of the victim -me i guess- and left the whole thing to me!!

No, considering the fact that the car hit me and ran away, considering the fact that in order to run away the driver went more speedy to run over me and escape -thank god he coudln't make it- regarding all that, what do you think i shoul do?

from the Cave- quick thoughts

2006-02-23T10:35:00.000-08:00

From the cave I write, not because I feel like to write but because I feel like about to explode!!

I must tell you first about the most important cave rule which is:

No discussions with others in any topic of the problems under consideration, free your mind from being biased by any ideas or any preasure from any friend

i followed this rule yet i kept reading and sometimes writing few thoughts i have, without of course posting them or discussing them

Today I felt like broken completely, watching TV and realizing the amount of madness we have, the amount of evil we carry inside and imagining if I am making similar acts, a bad black view for unknown future

life is strange, sometimes you will have to stand against one of two, either your ethics or your nation, if you stand against your ethics they will never rest in you, they will follow you, accuse you of being fake and they will be right

but if you stand against your nation you will be accused guilty by their rules, they will consider you the devil himself and put you in the enemy side, you will try to point out the truth for them but they won't listen to you, at the end you will find your self... in the cave

one of my thoughts is about democracy, i don't claim that it is originally from my mind yet I must tell that democracy alone is not enought, people well is not all the time the right and honestly, i can tell that most of the time, the majority stand in the wrong side!!

the factor that correct this relations is the educated persons who guide the majority and convince them with what is right and what is wrong, socrates didn't believe in that, he believed that the majority must be governed by the minority of wise men and the normal majority shouldn't have any rule

yet this is a very theoritical solution, because all the times you will find those who pretend to be wise and guide the people to the wrong end, and they will fight you and accuse you, also the majority sometimes loose trust in the wise men, and stop listening to them or following them.

one of the problems is how to define the truth, some funny definition is that, it is the information you find acceptable, back it is related to your acceptance!!

I am not out of the cave yet, i just wanted to represent how sad I am, but i must tell you that in the meanwhile, and on another issue, i spotted many positive moves, real positive moves and i was pleased to see that after the wave of hate, another wave of wisdome is starting, slowly but at least it is starting

From the cave

2006-02-10T13:02:00.000-08:00

Writing these few lines from the cave… I am now inside my cave and I really can’t identify my mood

I am happy and sad at the same time, I feel very bad and very sorry, sorry for myself and from myself

It is very easy to hate, it is very hard to love, fear from the things you don’t know is the rule, world seem so stupid when you look at it with your mind not your eyes.

My eyes can’t see anymore, things seem foggy, it is like these things aren’t really happening around, my heart have some mysterious pain, I can’t breath well, it seems my body wants to object and scream, seams like my soul is sick and all the other parts of me are sharing the pain with it

Tonight I was thinking very seriously to shut all my blogs forever, I was even writing the goodbye word for all of you, I was sure that my words are of no use to anyone but me, or say it is still of no use even for me.. Did I get happiness out of this? I wonder!!

Why do we hate different things or at least fear it? For how long will we carry this fear from new ideas or different concepts? Even if they seem to be true, even if we can’t have any logic against it!!

Why do we think that life is cheap and why do we hate death? Why do we think that the greatest danger is death? What is bad about it, I can’t say!!

Inside the cave I stay now, with hundreds of ideas and deep pain, am I the man they consider? Did I deserve what they did for me?

3 days ago I received a message from a friend, a very kind message that made me have more pain, did I deserve it? Honestly not, I am not the one you should stay with, I sometimes say things I don’t apply, I sometimes lie and sometimes hate

And I did something bad to someone; I can’t forget the look at that day, full with blame… my god!! Was I responsible of my heart or was it all just destiny!!

I sometimes do evil things even if others see them pure, they still have not clear reasons from the inside, I am not that pure man they should rely on or live with.

I am getting back to the cave… see you later

From Moharam bek to Damascus

2006-02-04T10:47:00.000-08:00

Today while watching TV I couldn’t prevent the deep depression that I felt, I understood the truth, it is the dark ages for Islam for sure!!

In the Middle Ages came the Dark Age for Christianity, when church controlled the community with the name of god and delayed humanity for a few centuries, now it is us playing this rule, even the same typical steps!!

Those who participated in this campaign against Denmark, are they happy now? Satisfied?
For one sin happened against them how many sins did they do in return?

1- they did hurt to many innocent people, a whole nation with the sin of a newspaper
2- They threatened them with many things including death!! Since when we are allowed in islam to terrorize innocent people!!
3- They destroyed and burned the embassy of two countries, where did the respect of messenger gone?? Did the prophet kill his enemy messenger? They were insulting islam day and night yet he never did any thing to the messenger that came from the enemy side (even if we assume that Danish nation is an enemy, which is not justified at all)

Three great sins in response two one sin, all directed in the wrong direction hurting innocent people for others crime!!

Let me raise some questions here, they deserve answers from those who participated in the campaign and they are proud of being part of the campaign

1- Do you think the Syrian gov was unable to protect the embassies? Why do you think they let them pass, reach two embassies and burn them!!!!
2- Do you think that the Egyptian gov is unaware that posters are hanged in the metro in cairo, since when was the gov letting similar thing?
3- Do you think that this is the first time for such an insult to happen to Prophet Mohammed? Nonsense and I was happy to find the proof at this place

It is a continuous war between terrorists from all the three sides, Jewish, Islamic and Christian, all the time trying to achieve as much insult as possible not caring for the sin they gain by that

4- Do you think we care that much for religion? Do we really apply orders of god and his prophet? How many times did you see a man in the street shouting and cursing against the religion and didn’t move?

Do you want to join evil? Join the crowds!!

Denmark and prophet Mohamed

2006-02-04T02:37:00.000-08:00

During the past few months’ things kept moving, boycotting and spreading mails until it reached a bomb threaten 2 or three days ago in the Danish embassy in Syria or Jordon (I don’t remember)

Can we slow down a moment and review our attitude in this issue?

1- How do the Europeans see Islam and Muslims now, don’t you think they regard us as terrorists?

Yes.

2- Don’t you see everyday in the TVs killing and bombing in Iraq, Afghanistan, Palestine, Egypt, turkey, Europe and almost everywhere?

Yes.

3- Don’t you think that moves them to believe we are terrorists?

Yes.

4- What if a thief says you asked him to do this; won’t other people think you are a thief too?

Yes.

5- What if those terrorists said that prophet Mohamed told them to do so, won’t foreigners by nature think he is the head of those terrorists?

!!!!!!

People, wake up, there is no conspiracy here, there is just pure human reactions on the current situation

You also can’t say they should have investigated more before they act like that, that is not what normal humans do, they are not judges out there, they are humans affected by what they see and what they hear, Muslims didn’t correct this bad idea about them and they must pay for that

But let me ask you another question, if a man hit you and his son work at your shop, will you fire his son and make him and his wife and kids starve? as a Muslim we have a sacred rule “wa la tazer wazeraton wezr okhra” which means “no one carry another one’s guilt”, don’t you think that by boycotting all Denmark you punish all the people of this country not the newspaper, without any guilt done?

And what did you expect from the Danish government?

To punish the newspaper or close it?
That happens only in third world countries, not there!!

Those people respect free speech and there is really no limit for free speech, they forbid hatred speech too yet the government can’t have the authority to do anything, if you see this cartoons humiliating for you, go to court and with a fair trial you take your rights

Wake up and know where to direct your blame, if they are to be blame then put 1% of the blame on the newspaper, 99% on Muslims all over the world who led us to this situation with stupid and frozen understanding for the religion and following without stopping for a second to consider what they follow or try to understand what it means

Wake up before it is too late, before we become as Jews became before

Evaluation

2006-02-01T15:21:00.000-08:00

2 days ago I got my evaluation on the past 6 months, it wasn't so normal day because most of the others got their evaluations and I was delayed because my mentor wasn't free and had tons of things to do

ok, first of all, the evaluation was very nice and pleasant, it went well and didn't take more than 2 mins, I am not allowed to tell anything about it on public because it is confidential

the mark wasn't very high, according to the given explaination they couldn't give a very high mark because of the short time of our first evaluation, others are being evaluated on periods from 1 to 2 years and so they could get higher grades, they felt that is partially unfair but they can't judge us over 6 months and say that this person is super!!

another part was about some soft skills evaluation, how could they in this period estimate our communication skills or our cooperation with coworkers?

but finally the things that they couldn't evaluate us in was set with high grades to satisfy us, some of us were not satisfied by their evaluation but mine was more than fine for me, I even tend to under estimate myself somehow and that appeared clear in the evaluation discussion

one thing made me happy and sad at the same time, my mentor told me very good and nice words and he repeated that they still want me to complete with them somehow during my military service, or even after it, that made me happy to know that i did well and that those nice people really appreciate that, on the other side that made me feel sad because i will have to leave them!!

telling you a secret, I got a job while i am working here to start a new department in a meduim size software company, it was a very good opportunity with a very good payment and quicker promotions but I didn't agree, life in our company is different because you really feel like family their

the day they knew about the military thing many of my friends their came to comfort me, including my managers, I really appreciated that because they really helped me come over the dispair after knowing of the 3 years officer service thing

evaluation for me was like a mark on the road, i am happy the mark was positive and feel more eager to move on now

Silence

2006-01-30T15:57:00.000-08:00

Silence is the thing and the everything!!

Is silence is the absence of sound? Can’t you feel that it has its own separate identity? Can’t silence be noticed sometimes in the presence of sounds, both in the same place facing each other, each with its own identity?

How can you feel silence? It is heaven for two lovers looking into each other eyes; it is hell for one of them only, is it the same silence?

It is peace for a satisfied soul, a torture for a blamed soul; it is the start of talk or the end of it

It is the thing before life, was there something that can produce sound before life? Then what came first sound or silence? If silence came first then we should say that sound is the absence of silence!!

Is silence calm? How can you say that when you have silence but have a thousand ideas in your head like voices talking only in your head?

It is the most virgin thing; any small voice will corrupt it and destroy its soul, its heart

What is silence? I can’t think yet I can feel, I can’t understand yet I can reach, I can’t know yet I can recognize

When the silence becomes painful!!

2006-01-27T00:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was in a wedding, I spent small time there and came very late

What I noticed was a strange thing, when the music suddenly stopped at the end of the wedding we all had something like pain in our ears!! I saw it in the faces of the people around me and I felt it, the silence was painful after long period of loud noise

My family:

2006-01-21T15:22:00.000-08:00

As this blog is like my home, I though of introducing you to the odd group of my family, it is odd because its members are of no way like each other, each member in this family has his own story but as an overall, they meet at some points as you will see, let’s start from the beginning

My father: my father is a very old man, he is 68 years old, very old fashioned man in some stuff and very modern in others, this means he is a man who accepts changes in time, but careful, that is not the fact all the time!!

My father was raised by the rules of the dictator father, this means no way for discussion with other family members, and they say my grandfather was even stricter that all his children were all the time afraid of him

My father is a very nice kind man, he loves us much yet he can’t change his way, his ideas must take place and that sometimes cause us problems but we all do our best to satisfy him

I must note that my father’s life wasn’t as good and stable as you may think, he is a very experienced man, he volunteered for the army affected by the atmosphere at that time, returned after 1956 war to the university to complete his studies, married twice, he is very much interested in politics too, unfortunately, he doesn’t like fairoz

My mother is a very much housewife, she is very simple and never busy her mind with big things, she is satisfied with her work because she have a tiring position in the ministry of education-that used to cause me troubles when I was young because teachers never treated me normally!!-, with my mother I can speak for long about my feelings, my mother is very near to my heart, while my father share the same interests with me that we are used to steal books from each other J

My oldest sister is married, nothing to say a lot, she has that strong personality and mind of the family, she is a little cruel with her little children, the little angels, or may I be too kind!!??

The second is my oldest brother, he is the ex-football player, he got injured long ago, he stopped playing football, it is hard to start building life from scratch so he made a company, a moderate one and he is married too, has a very young angel, she still can’t call me “3ammo”

My next brother is the politician of the family, the philosopher in it too, he formed the majority of our library, he left to Canada more than 7 years ago, and he works in programming with java and has his own small company in Toronto now

My brother was part of many organizations when he was young, one of his advantages is his independence in his decisions, he never waits for the permission and move to the action directly, that is how he left the house twice the first to Sinai to work with an international organization there and the second to Canada

The next brother is our writer, he is a very good writer yet life don’t support writers a lot, he works now as accountant in Saudi Arabia

My brother used to write very good plays and novels, comic style was his best, his disadvantage is not aiming a lot in that side, he didn’t give it enough tries even after he got his first chance to write in a newspaper, he didn’t care a lot for it and soon he returned to write only for himself (and us of courseJ)

My last sister is the artist of the family; she is a painter, a very good one by the way!
I must admit that I am a very bad painter and panting is the whole world of my sis, that is why we are not talking much, she can’t think of another topic I guess!

I must say that the best within my family is the amount of freedom they gave us in our lives, although father believe in the one decision rule, he believes in completely separate personal life for each person, that is why he encouraged each of us to compete in his side and be the best, my father supported the decision of my sister to join faculty of applied arts, supported my decision to concentrate in computer programming long ago, supported my brother to concentrate on football

As a family we all share some stuff, we all have very wild imagination, we all used to write at some stage, we all have that independence and freedom and hate questions or orders

That is my family, I can’t say it is the best family but I really appreciate being part of it

Our great library

2006-01-16T11:55:00.000-08:00

Two days ago, I picked up a philosophy book, philosophy is a subject I never read about but it got my interest a lot from the first few pages of this book, it is a real amazing one

It made me go to our great library at home and start searching for more sources, this library was collected by my brother, my other brother, my sis and finally me, for a very long time I used to buy my own books and use my own sector privately, later I started to borrow all the books I need from any library I get access to and stopped buying books at all ;)

Ok, I stepped inside for the first time after long years, during those years I used to make quick visits all the time to pick novels but never got the chance to try to investigate the books inside

The result was incredible; the library was full of books we bought from more than 15 years!! I found books that I bough from the book fair when I was about 8!! They were two English books, one about age of the kings, a historical one, and the other is scientific

What is important is the amount of books I found in almost everything; I could finally divide the library into the following sections

1- politics: about 40 books

2- philosophy: about 60 books

3- logic: about 10 books

4- history: about 40 books

5- Languages: 12 books including two books for hieroglyphics!! One of them in Arabic! When I was young, I used the English one to learn my first few words and statements in hieroglyphics and in a while I was able to read simple text, unfortunately I don’t remember any of that now :(

6- religion: about 70 or more books, talking about different religions but mainly Islam and Islamic history

7- Novels: mostly for Russian writers, this is my brother’s stuff; I used to read novels in the library and wasn’t used to buy them ;)

8- Computer: 30 books of computer related stuff, programming languages; I found wonderful java books inside, java books from more than 8 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9- A complete series of books in Arabic that used to select a writer and a topic in each time, I grouped them together although they don’t have the same common topic but I wanted to complete group to be together, about 30 one they were

10- Other: scientific books and some strange topics books :)

All those books are the new stuff only that I never got the chance to read, I didn’t touch my sector of the library or my other brother’s sector because I already read most of them, it took me more than 4 hours to classify the books, arrange them back and extract 11 books that I found really interesting, I put them on the desk beside my bed, I guess I will be having very busy time ;)

By the way, Socrates say hello to all of you :D

Personal

2006-01-13T06:57:00.000-08:00

Burning from the inside, from the deep end of my mind, sensitive to an annoying limit

It is very easy to hurt me, it is very easy to fix me back, I can never forget but I can easily forgive

My worst nightmare is to hurt someone by mistake, did I do that? Several times I think!!

I hate lies, I love confidence and I am still wandering for it yet everything seem like a lie

Seek the truth; find tiredness and end of road without a clue

Have many friends, very few of them know me really because I don’t talk a lot, I prefer to shut up, it is much wiser from saying something that may make others sad

Year 2005… Late like usual

2006-01-06T15:22:00.000-08:00

Late like usual, here I write about that year, and oh boy it was a real busy year, busy and unique

Unlike others, I will be really selfish here, I will write about this year from my own side only

Important events I had in 2005:

1- I had a car accident, a car hit me and I was about to die, this was in April and helped me change as I think
2- I had a two weeks campaign of reconsidering my life, this was really important because it changed my thoughts a lot
3- I got back to community, it means I didn’t get satisfied by pushing inside my thoughts, for the first time I both said them loudly and wrote them(first time after 5 years shut up)
4- My old diary got out to the world, in this year I published parts of it online here, old things written more than 6 or 7 years ago, but never been read before
5- I started to write stories again, this time short stories mostly in English, I got few of them to be discussed on the radio and people liked them
6- This is a place holder for an event that I will keep for myself, but it is of the most important events ;)
7- My brother came back after 4 years away in Canada, we spent about a month together and it was a good time because no one understands me like my brother
8- I started blogging, thank you all for keeping me in, that was at 31/3/2005 (remember this time because it is important)
9- I knew my military service, it was a hard time
10- I finished university and applied for masters in networks
11- I started working in SysDSoft, I work as a design engineer designing communication software there
12- My grandmother died and I really was sad, she was the last of the old people I really loved much
13- I got to know many friends, one of them is really close to me now and helped me a lot to pass by many hard times, I want to send her a very big thank you note after this hard time, so plz wish with me that she will do fine in the exams J
14- I returned to political life again, this time by reading, writing and documenting things, I am not young enough for demonstrations :D
15- I taught in the university for the last time, they say I was very good and very honest this year, I was so happy at the end of the year that more than 100 students attended my last section that I had to reserve another place to take them, I was happy to meet them later at work and know they didn’t hate me and have good memories for me
16- I participated in the elections, not by voting but by watching, I have no voter ID yet

Summing all the previous, I think the previous year of 2005 was the most effective in my life and personality up to now after early childhood days, I think changes are for the good

My wishes for 2006:

1- I learn more discipline, freedom has nothing against a little discipline
2- I get to meet some old friends, I really miss them all
3- I pass my exams, this is important as with military, all what will be left for me is my masters
4- Have peace with my heart, my heart is in trouble all the time, angry and anxious, I hope it can come a little calm
5- Get more near to god, I know I am not a bad guy but there are things I want to do, things I want to read and search in but never have the time, I hope I can do that this year
6- I wish I can watch the stars again from my balcony with the same feelings as the old 9 years kid!
7- This one is reserved for you, make a good wish for me plz ;)

Ariel Sharon… on the verge of death

2006-01-06T12:44:00.000-08:00

Ariel Sharon is on the verge of death, we all know that as news say he got a brain stroke, brain bleeding twice and two hard surgeries up to now, they say he lost control on some of his limbs too, they don’t know if he will be able to act normally again or not

The point here is that I am really sad for him!!! Before you start accusing me, consider these facts first:

1- I respect this man as a warrior who served his country since he was 18, he was involved in every single war for his country, got hurt twice, lead the famous attack behind the Egyptian lines on his own responsibility against all the rules to save the Israeli situation, as a sum, he is an enemy that we must respect as loyal to his country
2- We must understand that the crimes he made are part of Jewish heritage, that means all other Jewish loyal members will do the same like him, we mustn’t be so optimistic that some other person will take control because when it comes to a clash with them, he will prove that he is like Sharon or worse
3- Sharon tested war and know how does it feel to see his own soldiers being killed, he know how does it feel to be hurt and about to fall in enemy hands as he was about to fall in Egyptian hands in 1948 and he was hurt with two bullets, he knows how awful war is and he is so careful not to start another war
4- As a surprise, you must know that Sharon was the man who solved the problems between Egypt and Israel more than 25 years ago when he convinced Menahem Begen to leave Sinai and destroy the settlements, no other man could do it because Sharon was famous of defending Jewish settlements all over Israel
5- I don’t see much leaders in Israel side willing to negotiate with Arabs or do any change, I believe it was possible to work with Sharon for a limit, I know the limit doesn’t satisfy the Arabs but we will know soon that other Jewish leaders will not give us that limit either

I am not crying for him, but I respect those very critical moments even if I know how many crimes he made

Today’s demonstration for the Sudanese refugees

2005-12-31T11:50:00.000-08:00

This night, there was a demonstration against what the security forces did to the Sudanese refugees in Egypt, I wanted to attend but I was so sick and had an important thing to be done before 7 pm

I am not of the kind that like attending demos because I believe they are not useful but this time my heart was broke and I couldn’t stay home this time, I wanted at least to be there even for 5 minutes.

Ok, I finally decided to pass by, check up things just to be present there and may be take some photos, I was so sick and stayed just for 15 minutes there then left

You will see below some of the photos taken, but what is more important is the conversation that took place between me and 2 passengers and the driver in the taxi on my way to my other mission

It seems the Egyptians as a whole have no sympathy about what happened at all, they consider this as the normal end to the “foolishness” of the Sudanese refugees, it was really hard to convince them to understand the real tragedy behind the whole problem

Ok, I managed to convince them finally before we leave, at least they agreed, but I believe they still from the inside don’t care much even if all the refugees die, it was horrible to see that they are ready to accept the misery of other nations and accept excuses said by the government

Do you know what I believe now? I believe this reaction was all because we as a nation are tired from humiliation, we wanted to see one reason to feel our nation as a unique respected nation

In other words, while we are humiliated as we see everyday, we want to see a situation where we are treated better, this reflects at supporting any racist act like the one the government did.

We are eager to feel our dignity and unfortunately, we felt it strongly with the torture of the other weak humans

Now let me ask a question, if the protesters where from Russia, USA or any strong respected country, would the security forces do the same? I doubt it!!

The place of the demonstrations was full of security forces in civilian clothes and some high ranked police officers, some foreigners and very few Egyptians

No one there know me, that made me finish my stay there quick and leave after taking those photos

Sudanese refugees… No wonder

2005-12-30T06:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, in one of its CLEAN operations, the Egyptian police ended the Sudanese refugees camp in the famous square in Giza, the operation was as I said clean.. because they mostly started it by pumping water on the refugees

By chance, only by chance, I was returning home almost at the same time, about 5 am in the morning, I live in the nearby so I had to pass by the place, all I saw was lots of security guards, I didn’t feel good, someone told us that they are willing to end the mess of the refugees today

At the beginning I didn’t believe, I told myself, they can’t do it without much violence and because many sides already know, they won’t be able to cover it yet it turned out that I am a big donkey

They used whatever they like to end the peaceful act they did, I say a peaceful act because I was there before and I know those guys didn’t try to get out of the place or do any problems to the traffic or the people there, things were going normal that I passed by the place many times before I noticed their presence there

Ok, 10 of the refugees died in the incident most of them are children before the government takes them to unknown place.

Really no wonder about what is going on, it seems the value of humans is being ranked, somehow in each country the value of a human is taking new ranks based on his/her identity, I want to scream and say we are all humans at the end, but it seems that is really nonsense in this world

I want to make a confession here, I used to act against Sudanese refugees long ago, before I reconsider my acts again, I was a very much nationalist and I was touched by the acts of some gangs of them moving in my neighborhood and honestly I didn’t like that

Those guys are innocent, they didn’t do anything wrong, whatever we thing their demands are justified or not, they have the right to say whatever they want as long as they don’t hurt anybody.

Last thing I want to say, think of them as you like, hate them or love them, support their demands or deny it but when it deals with their right to say no, support them to death

Support them to death because it is your right too, it is your right to say no, the same right that you lost long ago and will keep losing as long as you keep thinking of the problem as “are they right or not && they should go back, the war is over!

To the Sudanese refugees, we are all refugees in this world, refugees on front of power of soldiers, power of evil politics that control all our life, refugees on front of control powers that wants to take the last right we still have, the right to refuse even silently, the right to be different and declare it to the whole world

I will be different, I will not take your color, I will not live your evil game and will say no,

Sudanese refugees, Accept my little not important apology, not as an Egyptian, or a man that will be in military life soon and will be tied with orders, but as a human that is sick of all this cruel evil world full of fake lives, fake reasons and fake emotions

The day to be remembered here, 30/12/05, at the end of the year the Egyptian police used more than 6000 soldiers to force about 3500 Sudanese refugees to end their camp in the middle of Giza city, 10 died most of them are children, 3500 were insulted and hit by security forces, 76 million Egyptians stood negative and pillions of humans did nothing

Free ashamed soul

Maged (t)= Maged(t-3)

2005-12-28T01:48:00.000-08:00

For those who have background in comm systems, more specific for those who studied signals, they will understand the title of this post

Two days ago, I received the result indication that I was of the VERY UNLUCKY persons who will become officers in the army, this means spending 3 years of my life there.

Ok, away from the bluffing, I got depressed for about 48 hours, now I am feeling better, a little better not much

But honestly, I knew it far before they say it; I expected it, dreamed of it and knew it is happening

Now, when I see it coming true, I feel sad, for many reasons, one of them is related to how I tried to arrange my life and that I identified two paths, one of them away from Egypt, the other is inside Egypt, my family thought that I am stupid to decide to stay in Egypt

Now I don’t have much choice, and the only decision I could make is to leave right after the army period, that is just the first problem.

The second problem is that I felt guilty when I saw some guys that accepted this sad fact but while being sad, they kept thinking how to be useful for the country while they are in the army!!, I didn’t think that way when I knew, actually, it was like the sun suddenly went out!

Another reason is that my father all the time says it is all because of me because I didn’t want to apply for immigration as he advised me, sorry father, I still disagree but I will have to do that later!

Finally, I will not be allowed to write anymore on the net during my military service, minimum for the first 9 months and mostly for all the period of 27 months, this is bad but this is what I am supposed to do

Ok, everyone is keeping telling me that I should see the bright side, honestly I see a few but they are still of no measure compared to the loss of 3 years of my life, if you see something valuable enough to equal 3 days even of a persons life tell me

I know I look very depressed, which is not the case; I kind of passed this stage and already taking things as is and doing what I can to make things a little better

Yet those events made me think of things, many things I have dropped and many persons I have known in the past

Bored club

2005-12-22T01:59:00.000-08:00

Bored to death circle

My friend Stel, started the bored club, generously, he assigned me an early seat (

To make it a healthy club, I think we may start by sharing why we feel bored that much!!

Here is my list of reasons:

newspapers tell the same everyday

I listen to the same music everyday

I go to work everyday, I can’t take a day off in this period

I can’t travel anywhere, they need me at work before I go to the army

My mother and my sis have the same fights everyday

It seems like things as they are in Egypt from the time of my birth, no real change in the soul (god bless the king, and the son of the king)

I meet the same guys everyday, I can’t meet a lot of my old exiting friends, they have exams or married and left (

My father tells me the same things over and over again everyday

My military papers require me to go many times to military center

Ok, that is enough for today, complete to boring stuff later

A new blog in the system

2005-12-07T03:21:00.000-08:00

A new blog has been added to the blogger world by Me and Ensanaa

the new blogger is a step to understand more about the identity of the humans we are, a step to have more peace inside and own the self freedom that may be the gate to self acceptance and self improvement

Join us there, if you really really care to know more about your own identity, no dreams and no promises are given, it is just you, simple and easy, can you handle that?

ZATAK BLOG: http://zatak.blogspot.com

Noisy people, enough now!!

2005-12-03T15:56:00.000-08:00

Walking throw the streets in Egypt is turning into living hell every day, in the 30 mins you take to reach your destination you must notice the pollution that people can’t notice any more because they got used to it, the sound pollution, 30 min in the rush hour today was enough to derive me really crazy !!

One of the things that always drive my relatives crazy out of me is that I never attend a marriage, I hate noise and can’t stand it so I come for 5 mins but when they search for me they just find out I am gone

You know, somehow we have that in our heritage, we are noisy when we are happy and noisy when we are sad, historically, in a marriage they used drums and in funerals they used special purpose women used to weep on the dead with high voices!!

Now all you need is to watch out while you are in a taxi or a public transportation and see the horrible frequent use of noise in horns and in the driver own voice all the time, oh boy how can they bear all that!!

It must be time to stop it, if the government don’t want to act like usual, we still can do that or even move a little against this horrible pollution, act now as an individual and never wait, in your car minimize the use of your car horn and in public transportation urge them to stop using it as much as possible or reduce their for it, it is unacceptable to live in this horrible noise all the time!!

People, how do you sleep in this noise?? How can you work or even breath in this noise, that is too much, really too much!

I am leaving

2005-11-28T02:31:00.000-08:00

Dear friends;

Let me introduce you, the solider Maged AKA freesoul :(

I joined the army, of course I don't want to but that is how things go

few days from now I will know if I will be a soldier or an officer, this will have a great effect on the service time either be 1 year for a soldier or 3 years for an officer!!

Pray for me, 3 years away from civilian life is too long for me, 1 year is already long enough, I don't know how will I do without the people I used to know, without the things I used to do, few weeks from now and I will leave to the army

Your friend all the time,

Free soul.

Mind the dark spot

2005-11-26T04:34:00.000-08:00

It is always there somewhere deep inside…
Somewhere in your heart in the place where light fear to get near, where light can’t breath, where just the screams of light can be heard

You think you keep your monsters there but that is nonsense, they go there by their own choice, they grow there finding the silence and coolness they need. They wait in patience… they are always patient
You think light don’t enter there? Oh yeah, that is what you can see from where you are… it is not that way at all

Light does go there man, it just can’t get out, it is trapped in there, absorbed
Your monsters inside feed on it, they eat all lights in your heart, they eat hope, faith, love… they eat life
Trying to know yourself? Isn’t your heart wide enough that you still need to go there? Do you still think you will find peace if you get to know your monsters… remember they are YOUR MONSTERS!!

Try to keep away from this dark place, don’t be a fool and try to explore it, mind that or you will lose all the light left inside and you may be absorbed there to sink deeply between the monsters of this spot, the dark spot in your heart

The choice 1

2005-11-18T09:11:00.000-08:00

In a previous post I gave a question that I admit was so vague and so general, somehow mysterious too, but I couldn’t find a better way to give it without revealing the meaning behind which could blow all what I wanted to do away

The question looked so simple; will you support the devil if he goes for what you believe in? So simple from the outside but it trigger a very big conflict in the inside, will you support the right things with the wrong people?

As a historical fact, many times the fear of being with the “bad side” made us –the Egyptians – act in the wrong direction trying to be distinct from those “bad people”, somehow it started to be in our heritage to do so, we want to deny any relation to bad people believing that they represent nothing but pure evil.

There is no pure evil in life, which is why when we go that way; we will mostly make the mistake of avoiding doing the right in order to stay out of suspicion to be with the evil side

I tried hard to get any direct answers, but mostly failed, I noticed that the blog got many visits after I posted this question but without answers on it, my friends tried to escape giving a direct answer even after explaining more the question (I mean here my direct friends that I meet everyday and know me well) and day by day I got with one conclusion, from the simple watching and talking with people you can know things you can’t know from questions like the one I gave as they will always run away from it yet they can’t escape their acts in life

Now it is time for the story:

Location: Giza, Egypt, somewhere near the pyramids

Time: August 1894

The story:

The slave era was just ending; Egyptian government made a decision to cancel slavery and made a special police dept for this purpose, the punishment was so hard in case you are caught selling or buying slaves

At this time the Egyptian council wanted to end the mission of the new police dept claiming that it costs a lot while the Egyptians are not mature enough and they don’t think to buy or sell slaves

Few months from this talk in the Egyptian council –which had no real authority at that time and apparently not at this current time either- a big case was unrevealed!!!

3 of the council members and a very famous doctor from a very high reputation family where caught for buying six Sudanese women as slaves, they admitted the crime thinking that there position in the community will protect them, we don’t here need to mention that they slavery canceling police was the one responsible for catching them, the director was a British officer

up to now you must be asking, what could possible be connecting that to my question, the connection in the behavior of the Egyptians, the very well educated writers in this subject, we see many writers wrote to protect the criminals, they claimed they did nothing wrong, they even claimed that “buying a slave from a rich man helps him and save his life!!”, they were giving excuses for the crime, they even claimed that they shouldn’t be in jail like common criminals and that they must be treated in a different way, remember that they admitted the crime, yet the newspapers kept on defending them!!!

Why did they do it? I suppose they hate against the British occupation made them support anything to stay away from supporting any act from the occupation! they supported the crime knowing it is a crime

A similar story happened about 1874 from the Egyptian pop kerles the fifth; I may tell you this story later!!

The story repeats its self everyday, see that many of us try to find excuses for what the terrorists do in Iraq just because they hate the American occupation; they support evil and shut their eyes and minds from what happen just to stay with the side they like

Now can you have a moment to ask your self this question; have you ever done the same on any scale?

To be continued

strange moment

2005-11-17T10:50:00.000-08:00

2 days ago I was leaving work -inside the university- it was 1 AM and you should imagine how does it look at that hour

things were so calm, so pure and so innocent, you could hear your breath and see the air moving around you, few dogs voices from somewhere far away that looks like they come from another world

have you ever seen the unviersity without students ??? It is much different and much beautiful!!
yes, may be i am one of the persons that hate crowds and sure i admit that but that is not the poing, in the morning i wonder, if we have all those students in the university, how could we fail in all subjects in life!!! if we even have 1% of them really working, we will be of the best nations!!

Ok, besides, you can imagine the activities those students do all the time, sure there is a big idological gap between the university and the faculty of engineering placed across the street on the other side, the few meters carry in them a huge gap of different ideas and a complete different way of life

just a good idea, try entering the university late at night, sure if they let you pass you will find it an interesting experience :)

I am tagged again

2005-11-11T08:09:00.000-08:00

Getting out of my cave to find out that many things has been going around, friends change, travel and leave and simetimes even get sick without me knowing a thing

I am so sorry all for the lonliness time I spent but I really needed to be with myself for a while, I kept posting here but I wasn't reading much

I am tagged again, so here I am, thanks to nour this time

7 things I want to do

1-meet all my friends at the same time
2-apologize to all those who I hurt all the time, but it is too late
3-return a kid, 12 years earlier would be great
4-round across Egypt and meet people, talk to the simple people
5-climb a mountain, I love open air and guess that would be interesting
6-leave everything to study religion for a while, from the conceptual side, I need to know god more and get more close to him, love him
7-start thinking about my future, I can’t see me in the future

7 things I can’t do

1- care for my appearance
2- hate a man
3- keep quiet in a talk about something I care for
4- concentrate on work for more than 10 minutes
5- stay in the same location for 5 seconds (I round all over the place I am in all the time)
6- have a think-less sleep
7- take a decision when it deals with a fight between my heart and my mind (50%-50% relationship)

7 things I say all the time

1- What is up?
2- Whatever
3- Who cares
4- I am bored to death
5- That is life!!
6- And so??
7- “bos ya sidi/bosi ya siti” in English, Look Mr/Miss
8- okkkzzzzzzz

7 people I want to tag them

1- Lemna (where did you disappear?)
2- Zainab
3- Phantom of the blog
4- Most of the others already did, so whoever pass by and care to do, you are welcome

Simple question

2005-11-08T09:24:00.000-08:00

If the devil stood in the side of something you believe right, what shall you do?

1- support him for the sake of what you believe in
2- stand against him even if you know you will support something bad
3- do nothing and watch the result

HMMM ??? what do you think ?

I will explain later why I asked you this question, I will give you a very nice story from history to clarify what I mean :)

Few hours from now

2005-11-05T17:27:00.000-08:00

Few hours from now, I will be in the test for military service, I suppose I should be tense and sad but actually I have a very high mood :)

Although I never experienced military life, I know i will hate it from the first look, I do hate to be tied up with things, I hate to follow stupid orders and sure I hate to follow anyone, I love to be me, away from all regulations and breaking all the codes, unfortunately, I can't live like that in the army

Will they take me? will they leave me? I just know onething, I didn't make any step to count with the possibility of me joinging the army, I built all my life on top of the theory that i will be free after the tests end, that i will never join the army, do i look stupid ?

lestining to dalida at the moment, many optimistic songs for her may be the reason of the good mood, being well prepared for tomorrow may be the reason while i don't know how to be prepared for such a thing :)

Ok, I will talk to you later when i return with the news

Love song

2005-11-04T12:48:00.000-08:00

I will watch you in the darkness
Show you love will see you through
When the bad dreams wake you crying
I'll show you all love can do
All love can do

I will watch by the night
Hold you in my arms
Give you dreams where no one will be
I will watch through the dark
Till the morning comes

For the lights will take you
Through the night to see
All love, showing us all love can be

I will guard you with my bright wings
Stay till your heart learns to see
All love can be

Words in my mind

2005-11-04T11:02:00.000-08:00

Intelligence work doesn’t much base on smart or innovative work, it is mostly based on the amount of information you collect, and the analysis power you employ to do as much cross analysis for different pieces of information as possible, the amount is endless and the possibilities for cross calculations are endless, the limit stay the sky and the road is directly proportional to the spent effort

the same apply for all kinds of applications including artistic kinds, the small percentage of innovation in any work is being crushed by the large percentage of focus, basic information, experience (which represents a reduction in spent time and reduction in error rates), cross analysis

Work based on the "one genius man" theory can't compete with the work of the circle of analytical half equipped persons, the same way as a mainframe can't stand against a super interconnected computer

A blogger arrested

2005-11-02T16:33:00.000-08:00

I heard today that a blogger got arrested and the idea really shoced me and scared me

this blogger is a real question mark and the subject of lots of discussion due to his strange opinion during the last crisis of Alex yet we have a concept here, it is the concept of free speech and whatever he said he must have the freedom to say and even the freedom to make mistakes

if the government thinks he broke the law, then they must use the procedure of the law to deal with him which is not the case here.

I want us all to publish at least an objection on our blogs as a start against that until we think what we can do to solve this problem, we are here defending the freedom of all bloggers to think freely

the man is Abd El Kareem Amer and the subject source is wa7da masreya

NO ARRESTS FOR OPINIONS

minerva flies at dusk- end of alex crisis

2005-11-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

they say minerva takes flight only at dusk, they refer by that to the fact that whenever we start to talk and discuss a crisis, this is declaring that this crisis is just about to die and the problem is about to be solved!!

ok, I hope they are right, but that is only if minerva could complete her flight without falling down with a broken wing :)

a lot of healthy talk has been circulating on the net, newspapers and media, of course the government still deny the whole case but who cares as much as the people start to realize it, this is the key for the solution

I am optimistic now, I know the danger is not fully out but i received a mail from a close friend telling me that she got on good terms again with her best friend, she is a muslim and her best friend is christian, my friend is a young person from the generation that came out in the demonistrations, my friend is a very committed muslim and I loved the fact that she understand that we are not enemies but we are partners

i am optimistic because she can fight to prove for the closed minded that blame her for that, to prove for them that they are stupid and blind, I am optimistic because i am not anymore alone in this fight and i am optimistic because what i could read on the blogs and the moves following

but let me put my dark glasses again, plzzzzzzzzz don't forget and plz don't slow down, move on, go after the roots of the problem reaching the seeds of hatred and don't be shy anymore, don't wait for our "beloved" governemt to move, it is no time for that, either we move now, or leave it for another generation that will curse us for letting them down

I am optimistic but with a long look on the future, if we get satisfied like the usual act of arabs with the good starting we got, we will finally fail, persistance is the key

Happy feast for us all, christians and muslims :)

Seeds of hatred

2005-10-31T13:03:00.000-08:00

Few events passed by Egypt in this month of October but actually I wasn’t free much to think or see what is going on

Just recently, I started to analyze the facts gathered, I made a quick visit to the pal talk program to check what is going on, checked some famous suspected websites I even made some conversations with many parts representing different samples of the Egyptians, some of them I asked on purpose, some asked me to know my opinion in the current events

What I can see and can’t deny, there is a very wide tension in the relationship between Christians and Muslims in Egypt no matter how much we try to cover it or look civilized

According to my reading in history, the relationship between the two parts wasn’t always a honeymoon, in many cases it had similar tension but I can honestly say this time it is very critical and dangerous, it is wide spread in the Egyptians and that has a reason

The Christians have a deep feeling that we stole their country, that they don’t represent an important part of it anymore while they represent the initial citizens of this country, they are partially right about that but very wrong from a different point of view

Those who are ignored are not Christians only, it is Christians and Muslims, we both don’t represent anything in the control of this country and the reason is somewhere in the government buildings in Cairo

They think that the media is used only for Islamic material, they partially right but what they don’t know also is that the media broadcasts what it wants, it tailors Islam for its needs and didn’t and will never agree on any show that really serve Islamic purposes or make people aware of the nature of this religion and the real deep meanings it carry, they just broadcast shows all the time about how to worship god, but never about how to know god and the ethics related because they know the first thing those ethics will destroy is our fear and our long time acceptance for their terrony

By time, Muslims directed their minds and hearts to alternative sources like cassettes and cheap books sold in the streets or in public transportations, those sources that most of the time carried the seeds of hatred and step by step full generations were raised to cut the Christian side from the nation

The Christian nation is to blame here too, they didn’t try to restore their rights, to tell the Muslims we are not enemies, we are partners, they actually took the way of separation and got satisfied by living away from the hearts of their partners, again generations came believing in complete separation and counting Muslims as their enemies, this is because they found they can’t have some of their rights and they found Muslims don’t care, they so held them accused rather than relating it to the system controlling the country, playing with its future for some dirty political games
The seeds of hatred grew up more and more with the current situation in our area of occupation in Iraq and the stupid hatred-based ideas that spread that this war had a religious basic, a fairy tale that increased the gab between us, especially with the voices of some Christians asking for foreign interfere with their case in Egypt that people directly bounded it with Iraq as it is a call for invasion in Egypt

I can’t deny that some voices there really called even for foreign troops in Egypt to “protect Christians from the massive extermination that the Muslims are doing there!”

Along more than 50 years, the seeds of hatred have been planted and served all the time until it grew up to give us a very ugly plant that we see now

What is the answer??? How can we solve this?

I think we need to make people more connected to Egypt more than anything, loyalty is a very dangerous factor and the silly plays we give in 1973 celepration every year doesn’t help much, we need to introduce Egypt as a concept and one unit to the generations in more strong way

I believe also that religion must be given more care from both sides, especially in the conceptual side; we miss this side much, which can teach us the meanings of peace and love that, is found in both religions

I believe also that the freedom atmosphere needs to change, we don’t have inner freedom before we seek it from the government and we need to work much to introduce people into the space of open free ideas that can contradict in peace, when we learn how to live the freedom as a self experience, we will learn how to accept the fact that we were created different and that is what makes every human unique, to be different is to be alive and we must learn to accept different people

We must learn to be brave too, no more restrictions in any discussion, there are no more taboos in any field, taboos are being destroyed everywhere and new modern answers are being created each day, we must forget our restrictions and start discussing things that we were satisfied by accepting its ready-made answers we received very long time ago made by minds much out of our modern time

In brief, we must learn to be humans from the ground up, remove the dust of old stale ideas and build a brand new theory of life together, a brand new theory on how to think and act in all life sides not just in sides connecting Muslims and Christians.

Can we do that in a country with our state?? I wonder but I don’t lose hope, at least I am trying not to lose hope at the current moment

Note: wish me luck in my military service; I am applying my papers in a week from now

Source of evil, the reason

2005-10-29T23:03:00.000-07:00

I though about my last post and I found a gab in it, so I found that I should complete this gab

Why do I talk about the source of evil and list those things??

When you are really an evil man, you will not know that, you will be mostly moved by a motive that you see innocent and in most cases you will see it like a good motive and think you are doing the right thing, the worst kind of evil is when you think you are doing the right, good intentions lead to bad ends all the time

Those who make crimes with bad intentions kill a man or two or even a few, but this “patriot” or the one who call himself so, can kill thousands and even millions without losing his self respect

When you kill a man and look into his eyes and know your bad intentions, it is a hard experience for anyone with living heart, but with a motive of loyalty, principles, religion and so on, you can kill thousands thinking you are spreading good ideas and saving the world

I though it would be good to discuss some of the faces of evil sources that we use as a curtain to hide behind from our bad deeds, we will try here to know if those motives are of pure evil, partial evil or that they are not the source of evil at all, I will be open to hear your comments as I accepted all the comments in the loyalty discussion long ago

See you in the first section

Sources of evil

2005-10-29T15:40:00.000-07:00

In humans, there is no devil and there will be no angel, we all have our mistakes and we all have both the devil and the angel inside, it just depends on which door do you open your heart for

I will be throwing here questions more than answers, trying to know what factors affect the door that we open, what makes us lock the door for the light and open the door and windows for the dark side in us

Of course I can’t at the moment list the factors that makes that possible but I will list the most things that I can see for now, those are:

• Discrimination
• Comparison
• Acceptance
• Chains of terrony
• Principles
• Loyalty

I will start a new sequence of posts about those factors, I am currently thinking of making a new separate blog for this kind of posts related to society and human nature not to bather my beloved readers of this blog with the nonsense I keep my mind wandering in

What shall we start with now? We have already handled Loyalty
very long time ago; I think the next one we should start working on should be discrimination, especially in the current time

Meet you in the next post :)

And yet another song

2005-10-28T14:10:00.000-07:00

Lay a whisper on my pillow
Leave the winter on the ground
I wake up lonely, there's air of silence
In the bedroom and all around
Touch me now, I close my eyes and dream away
It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out
Make believing, we're together
That I'm sheltered by your heart
But in and outside I've turned to water
Like a teardrop in your palm
And it's a hard winter's day, I dream away
It must have been love, but it's over now
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without
It must have been love but it's over now
I'ts where the water flows, its where the wind blows
It must have been love but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but its over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out
Yeah it must have been love ..

Prisons #1

2005-10-23T15:32:00.000-07:00

This post is intended to be a starting point of a sequence of posts about prisons we have in our life, prisons that we can’t touch yet has the most effect in our lives, prisons that were able to destroy nations and build others.

Physical prisons can’t really imprison your freedom if you really have it in your deep inside, just those virtual ones can do that job

This time I will talk about one of the worst of those prisons, it is the one responsible of holding our civilization (if we have one) back for centuries, it is the prison of acceptance

The prison of acceptance is a prison we put on our minds when we decide to take ready-made ideas from elsewhere, here we imprison the mind and prevent him from trying to justify the validity of those ideas

How many of us stop to ask the magical question: “why?” and how many of us then receive one of those silly answers such as: “orders of god, the right thing to do, for your own good” and stuff of that kind then how many of us will move to justify the reason of the answer till he is finally convinced??

Is it right to justify everything and keep your mind working all the time? I wonder but all I can say is that my mind is free and working to the burning limit!

The Egyptian writer, Salah Esa, says that what I just called the acceptance prison was forced on the nations by invaders and governments to keep them under control all the time by the name of god, he sue was talking about Egypt but at once I remembered Europe in the middle ages and the control of the church on all branches of life and science.

Don’t you think it is the time to move this old machine -called the brain- a little and get it back to life… free?

Quote

2005-10-21T11:50:00.000-07:00

Take this new quote by me:

"poeple are the things you have to push back; in order to move on"

accident

2005-10-21T04:39:00.000-07:00

My sister accidently dropped Pepsi on my PC, all over the desk, keyboard and my little mouse:(

ok, the mouse made it but the keyboard couldn't be saved :( so from now and till i have the time to buy a new one, i will be using my old keyboard, which i am totally not used to, so i will not write anything new, all my posts will be from the saved un-posted ones, this may be good chance to check that huge number of un-posted stuff

Bye

1973: Lessons #1: Media

2005-10-21T03:56:00.000-07:00

we had a war, we lost in this war according to the most optimistic reports about 8000 soldiers, souls and families, the least thing to do for them is to learn from what happened

The lesson today is about media, whenever we start to hide the truth from the people, we must be prepared for the defeat

The media before and during and even after 1967 has committed the biggest lie in the history of Egypt

first of all, the covered the conditions that Egypt had to accept for Israel to leave Sinai after the war of 1956, this was the first step of the lie, to make it acceptable they made all Sinai a military closed area so that no one could go there and know the truth

they kept us living in the lie for years and years, feeding us with southands of nonsense we read everyday about the weak army of Israel and our huge abilities, they gave us two rockets without guiding chips claiming they can hit Israel, the two rockets where a complete failure, they sent our troops to Yemen and told us they were fighting for freedom, but actually they were fighting for the illusion of the glory Nasser seek, they told us they fight for honor but they were killing children and burning houses there (yes it is true, believe it, that is what we did in Yemen!! )

During 1967, the lie continued, then suddenly, all broke down and the truth appeared as ugly as it is!!

The question is, did we learn from that? When you read our newspapers those days, can you believe what it tells?

Click on the picture above to see how bad the lie can be!!

I hope we understand that the road to the future starts from the past; we need to know the past, reveal the details of what happened in our wars and then learn from them